everytime i ride the bus home ,it's always the same,and it's killing me.

i gaze out of the window,
and within minutes,
the ghosts come back to haunt.
and it's 20 minutes of self-reproachment,
flagellation,
beating myself up.
over what i did or didn't do.
did or didn't say.
wishing i done this,
or said that.

fuck off oracle.

why can't i just speak up?
say something outrageous,
BE outrageous,
once in while.

i'm not stupid.
i'm not a one eyed monster,
quite.
but i must hide.
run away,
and hide.
from everything.
and everybody.

and it's not all bad.
one ghost that is ever present is why couldn't i say "thanks,i owe you one."?
it's a long story,
it doesn't matter,
and he's dead now.
but it might have mattered.
made someone's day.
made a difference.

i'm sorry,
but i needed to vent.

trouble is,
nothing ever changes.

it's a life of purgatory.

"well it's your choice",
i hear you say.
"sort yourself out,people can change".
no they can't.

it's like;
adulterers,
rapists,
burglers,
muggers,
and buggers.
(or is that "buggerers" )
paedos,
murderers,
members of parliament.

it's what defines us.
it's what we are.
WHO we are.

yes we can take drugs,
live lives in denial,
waging constant wars with the "self".
but it's there,
nagging,
and gnawing.
incessantly.

and i have to get ready for work.


take care juicers.

tolsod.

what?

Entertaining stuff man.

if you say so.