Fifty sheds of grey on form today at Twitter

Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

'Don't hold back. Give it all you've got,' she said bending over before me. I didn't need telling twice - I hadn't played leapfrog in years.

Fifty Sheds of Grey ‏@50ShedsofGrey

We were so excited we raced home and made the beast with two backs. It should have been a coffee table but that's Ikea instructions for you.

50 shades of chav

For those of you who have enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey......


“As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight” “ It was Wayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus pancakes and pot noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called the dogs of war. Where he took me from behind and played call of duty at the same time” “our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter that white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for “ I Love You” As I stood in line at the job centre thinking of reasons I couldn’t work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn’t be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.” “My mum told me to leave Dwayne many times due to violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had **** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up a power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again and again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi-on which is rare as crack normally played havoc with his erections.......................”

I got a letter today, my JSA had been stopped because "I didn't actively seek work". I told the people at the Job Centre I wasn't able to work because I twisted ankle a few months back, but they've no sympathy.

I'm not sure where Dwayne's gone. Last night, he told me he fancied a Fray Bentos pie, so maybe he's gone for that. I just hope he's nicked it and not paid for it otherwise I'm not gonna be able to afford to get Shakira and Akon their daily Big bag of Haribo from Poundland. Shit, Poundland! I need to go... Shakira want's a Monster Munch sandwich for her tea, and Akon ate the last of them for his breakfast this morning.... If Dwayne's paid for that Fray Bentos, I'm gonna go kill him!

Dwayne's back! He did well! He came back with 4 Fray Bentos, Kids' Monster Munch and a Microwave...
Dwayne handed me his chosen pie and told me "to bang it in the microwave". The way he said it, I just knew he was gonna bang me after he'd eaten it. I couldn't wait... It was 11pm now, and kids were due to go to bed in about and hour or so.

I think Dwane's nicked a dodgy microwave, or maybe it's just one of these new Microwaves? Watching it cook in the microwave was like lightening strikes hitting the pie tin, it was quite entertaining! These new microwaves though... they're a bit too much! Back when I was a kid, microwaves just did like 'ping' sound... This one though, it was a loud bang, and a bit of smoke came outa the back, I think it's just so you know when you're food's done if you're upstairs or something... Only took about 10 seconds though! Dwayne will be well impressed!

It was now midnight, Akon was playing something on the XBOX and Shakira was talking to a few men on the internet, she says she gets along better with older men... 9 year olds today! Pffttt...

Dwayne keeps giving me a look, it's kinda like a nervous twitch, but a long stare - I'm not sure if he's hinting to go upstairs, or it's just that marker pen he's been sniffing... We made our way upstairs, hoping that he'd take advantage of me... he didn't I knew I still had mother responsibilities, so I quickly rushed back down stairs and told them both to both be in bed by 2am, as they had school in the morning.

I lay in bed, eyes wide open watching Dwayne twitch in his sleep - just hoping he'd wake up and take me, it never happened. My mind wondered... I started thinking about really naughty stuff, I needed to satisfy myself, but Dwayne's Staffy, 'klitschko' had chewed my toys. The only rounded thing I could think of was...