almost called at the doc's,vented at two siblings,and the weirdest dream;life eh?

after all that bllx i've spouting about aspergers and stuff.
i very nearly called into my local doctor's surgery on the way home.
okay,
maybe i really AM just wallowing in self-pity.
but what's the point of getting on drugs?
and as for therapy,
you can't right 50yrs of wrongs,
straighten 50rs of wonky.
i am what i am now.

i crave company,
well,
conversation really.
but then,
wtf would i talk about?
and people,
loathsome creatures.
they disgust me.

never the less,
i thought that i might ask to at least see/have/fill in one of those questionnaires.
the depression test.
well?
that can't do any harm i thought.
but i just couldn't do it.

the bottom line is,
i don't like people.
i don't trust them.
and quite frankly,
i worry about them when i'm out.

my mother;
she's 77yrs old.
had trouble with her eye-lashes for years.
finally went and had them burnt out at a local hospital today.
quite painless,
local anaesthetic,
done by laser,
she's home now,
feeling a bit sore,
but okay.

i got a text from a sister saying that my mother home.
i went over to see her,
stuck my head in the door,
and air was blue with cigarette smoke.
can you believe that?

her life is shit,

i work nights,
i can't be there 24/7 kicking the filthy scumbag arses.
i just said"are you gonna come over home,and sit in some clean air for a couple of hours?"
she declined,meekly,as is her wont.
as i knew she would.
"okay",
i replied,
"see you tomorrow."
and stormed off home.
it's really fucking me up.
i don't know how to deal with this.

and the weirdest thing.
last night,
on my kitchen-floor;
i've never found a woman that i could really connect with in conversation.
not blaming them.
we're just wired up differently.
well anyway,
a young woman that i worked with years ago,
we really could talk,
she was great,
okay,
she was quite attractive,
and a bit tomboyish.
but great company.
she died of cancer in her 20s.

never had kids.
never wanted kids.
she said.
"couldn't be bothered with all that."
SHE said.

she had a full-time job,
a mortgage,
and good bloke.
everything seemed hunky-dory.
such a shame.

jesus!
the dream ffs.

well there i was,
asleep,
on the kitchen floor,
when she appeared,
standing in front of me,
naked,
not a stitch of clothing.
she had odd tits.
the right one,was the size of a tennis ball.
i DID actually THINK,"tennis ball."
and the other was like a fried egg.
she was laughing,
and ever so slightly pregnant,
just beginning to show.
y'know.
that was what she was laughing at.
i glanced at her tummy,
i actually felt myself smile.
then she was gone.

all the filth in this world,
and she got the short straw so young.
i think she was 26.
don't know what she had cancer of.
didn't like to ask tbh.

i shall of course phone my mother later.
maybe go sit with her for a while.

life eh?

erixter wrote:well there i was,
asleep,
on the kitchen floor,
when she appeared,
standing in front of me,
naked,
not a stitch of clothing.
she had odd tits.
she was laughing,
and ever so slightly pregnant,
just beginning to show.
y'know.
that was what she was laughing at.
i glanced at her tummy,
i actually felt myself smile.
then she was gone.

weird huh!

have visited my mother.
two black eyes and she looks like shit.
but job done.
onwards and upwards.

i've just had this horrible thought.
it wasn't the early stages of pregnancy,
she just had a bit of a tummy.
i wonder what she had cancer of.
oh god no.