Re: Today's whimsy

NotBert Sat Mar 12, 2016 3:23 pm

she wrote:
NotBert wrote:Remember when ADD didn't exist and there was only ADHD?

Did someone get distracted and miss out the

Fifteen months for the payoff on that punchline. She has just pleased me so much that she's bumped Claire from Steps off screen and on to camera duty.

You need to keep up with the strands on these threads I'm interweaving; that and She has better boobs as well

Spoiler:

NotBert Sat Mar 12, 2016 4:02 pm

It can be exclusively revealed that Bill Shankly was drugging his players in the sixties and seventies. We don't know with what, but the proof is there

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TOMMY LAWRENCE

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CHRIS LAWLER

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RON YEATS AND IAN ST JOHN

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KEVIN KEEGAN

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IAN CALLAGHAN

NOW....

It drained the pigmentation out of their hair! Look at them, LOOK AT THEM!

Keegan 323 games
Lawrence 390 games
St John 425 games
Yeats, 454 games
Lawler 549 games
Callaghan 857 games

And they were drained, DRAINED of their hair colour - not grey, white. All the pigment. Ron Yeats has kept a bit of grey but that was because they were using a combination of growth hormone that diluted it - look at the picture of him wih Bobby Collins and the ref at Wembley, '65. HE'S NINE FEET TALL! AND EVERYTHING HE TOUCHES TURNS INTO COLOUR IN A BLACK AND WHITE WORLD!

And Keegan got double doses in his first couple of years when he owned that Ford Capri and they couldn't work out the car was injuring him, which he why he left "Badger's Arse" behind very quickly and played somewhat fewer games. IT ALL FITS! A bit like Peter Cormack was the last piece in the jigsaw...

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(It carried on afterwards as well under Paisley, which might suggest he was the mastermind of it all. David Johnson looks like he's wearing a cloud)

Guest Sat Mar 12, 2016 6:58 pm

she Sun Mar 13, 2016 1:12 pm

NotBert Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:49 am

People who dream in colour rather than black and white are more likely to have more affinity for the psychic world. They also have to pay more for their dream licences, which are sporadically checked by Dream Enforcement Vans which drive around with a rotating cloud on the top.

"No, I dream in black and white"
"Yet you claim to be a palmist?"
"Yes, I'm a fucking charlatan, dickhead."
"Very good sir, that's all in order"

Thought of this today after the dream I had last night which was one of those rare ones where you wake up ~~covered in your own "essence"~~ and when you go back to sleep, you go back into the same dream, another chapter (and last night, unusually, more than once). Shame it wasn't sexual, tbh - I recognised me in there and I always like it when I get a bit...

Guest Mon Mar 14, 2016 3:57 pm

NotBert wrote:
Thought of this today after the dream I had last night which was one of those rare ones where you wake up ~~covered in your own "essence"~~

she Fri Mar 18, 2016 5:24 pm

NotBert Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:48 pm

That Matthew Corbett might be the world's greatest mind.

In the late 90s, he sold the rights to Sooty (and everyone knows Sooty) for £1.4 MILLION. Yes, that's right. A fucking yellow sock for £1.4 MILLION.

It was bought back a few years later by Richard Cadell who was a co-star (Corbett retured aged 50 to drink rum and fuck whores on the proceeds) but it is worth noting that there were two things in particular that made the marketing of Sooty absolute fucking genius.

Firstly, whoever owned him at the time a few years back sold three photos for £20,000 for him to front a billboard campaign for a mobile phone network.
Secondly, he was on all the RNIB collection tins, so he was there, front and centre in the British psyche, a bit like the Spastics Society box which in latter years has become an art installation.

Now, think about it. A mobile phone and a blind people's society. This is a puppet bear that DOES NOT SPEAK. A phone is little fucking use
"Hello, is that Sooty?"
"..."
"Hello?"
"..."
"HELLO?"
"..."
And so on. However, is he doesn't speak, make a sound, is in fact all but undetectable unless you can see him, well, you see where this ends up. Poor fucking blind kids get told that their mascot is a yellow bear with black paws holding a magic wand. "What's yellow?" would be a good start point in reply, and you could pretend he's there all the time because he says fuck all.

Fucking UK...

she Thu Jun 09, 2016 4:41 pm

NotBert Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:39 pm

Frank Field looks like Bela Lugosi, only more vampiric, the blood-sucking cunt.

NotBert Mon Jun 13, 2016 8:18 pm

Apparently every time an English fan clouted a Russian, a smaller, identical Russian popped out and ran to his aid.

The English fans who spent two days tearing up Marseille are aggrieved for two reasons
(i) They'd booked for three days of exclusive wanton destruction
(ii) The Russians spoilt the party by coming along with proper weapons when the English relied on the chairs, bottles and hastily-fashioned shivs they've been using for decades. "It's not fair" a Chelsea-based cunt whined "they're technically more proficient than we are, they have a mid-season break and theyre backed by huge oil money." Greg Dyke has suggested some sort of thug academy should be the FA's main priority, to get home-grown talent ripping up seating while carrying a baton up their sleeves - "we're being left behind by children on the continent who are being nurtured in knifeplay and machete-waving from as young as six". Gordon Taylor said fuck all, he was eating a swan, the greedy, grabby cunt.

she Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:17 am

NotBert wrote:Apparently every time an English fan clouted a Russian, a smaller, identical Russian popped out and ran to his aid.

The English fans who spent two days tearing up Marseille are aggrieved for two reasons
(i) They'd booked for three days of exclusive wanton destruction
(ii) The Russians spoilt the party by coming along with proper weapons when the English relied on the chairs, bottles and hastily-fashioned shivs they've been using for decades. "It's not fair" a Chelsea-based cunt whined "they're technically more proficient than we are, they have a mid-season break and theyre backed by huge oil money." Greg Dyke has suggested some sort of thug academy should be the FA's main priority, to get home-grown talent ripping up seating while carrying a baton up their sleeves - "we're being left behind by children on the continent who are being nurtured in knifeplay and machete-waving from as young as six". Gordon Taylor said fuck all, he was eating a swan, the greedy, grabby cunt.

NotBert Tue Jul 19, 2016 11:37 pm

This is brilliant, a book title that is more Alan Partridge than Alan Partridge

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Royaties go to a charity foundation Bob Wilson set up but it is right up there with "Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank"

Other than that, I'm also reading a biography of Billy Meredith. I like my reading quite random...

NotBert Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:52 pm

Radio has been telling me that "Steve" is three weeks behind with his rent and is facing a final demand off his energy supplier. His plan to manage debt is to win the lottery and he's been doing it for fourteen years. He digs at the end of rainbows. Don't be like "Steve".

Then I go the cash machine which has a little stick man in a beanie named "Steve" who rather than go out on the piss tonight, is saving his pennies to meet his bills. I am then exhorted to be like "Steve".

Right. Advertisers, if you're going to put these adds out either (i) research whether your patsy is a dick or a wise man and prevent confusion OR (ii) what the fuck possessed you to use the same name twice? Now the country has to be like Steve (not that Steve) and not be like Steve (no, the other Steve).

You stupid fucking cunts.

NotBert Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:04 am

I can't work out where the body is on those seaside gravestones that look like benches and say "Enid Boulton, 1926 - 2013 - she loved to knit here".

Guest Sat Apr 15, 2017 12:41 am

NotBert Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:07 am

Have a double in the pipeline relating to Billy Connolly and guillemots. More later

NotBert Sat Apr 29, 2017 7:38 pm

So we were talking about Billy Connolly and Steve says "there was this bloke whose doctor prescribed him an hour of Billy Connolly a day to cheer him up, that sort of thing".

My natural sense of the surreal had me say "well, what happened if you watched two hours, forgot you'd taken your dose and went in again?"
Did you have to go to A&E? "What have you taken, sir?" "I've overdosed on Billy Connolly and I'm REALLY FUCKING HAPPY!"
Would you be rejoindered if you forgot to take a dose to not take more than one to make up but just re-establish the routine?

The next day I was talking about guillemots and how they've evolved to lay eggs that are elongated at one end so they don't roll but instead basically spin on the spot so that they don't fall off the cliff where they like to lay them. Yeah, evolution is genius. Lay the eggs ten yards back, you fucking show off cunts. Or hold them in place with a line of sand. No, you had to develop your fucking sphincters instead and push one out like you've been on barium.

Done...

Guest Sat Apr 29, 2017 11:24 pm

she Wed May 03, 2017 12:14 pm

missyj Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:14 am

The ADHD thing reminded me of LGB sorry LGBT no I mean LGBTQ, I think there might be another letter now but if I go and look it will have probably changed by the time I've finished so I still won't be right Razz

Guest Tue Jun 13, 2017 5:10 pm

Where have you been bitch?
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missyj Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:00 pm

My pad broke so could only get jp on the big comp in garage and I couldn't be arsed to go in there I've finally got it on my mobile now so I will be watching you fuckers from now on

Guest Tue Jun 13, 2017 9:47 pm

NotBert Mon Jun 19, 2017 12:02 am

missyj wrote:My pad broke so could only get jp on the big comp in garage and I couldn't be arsed to go in there I've finally got it on my mobile now so I will be watching you fuckers from now on

Then I'd better get ~~my rat out~~ entertaining.

It's been a year, Jonesy. I've had to buy a doll... Embarassed

and best of all, pig

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