SCHOOLS DESERTED

BRITAIN'S schools stood empty today, apart from 440,000 joyful teachers swinging tube socks filled with two-pence pieces.

As a jury rubber-stamped the explosive violence lurking just below the surface of an entire profession, teachers across the country said it was like getting another 14 weeks of holiday entitlement, but with much more screaming.

The teaching unions have now issued each of their members with a large photograph of acquitted teacher Peter Harvey and advised them to frame it and hang it above the blackboard.

A spokesman for the National Association of Schoolmasters and Women Teachers said: "This is what we call a 'game changer'."

He added: "Hello children, today's word is 'precedent'. Can you use it in a sentence?"

Meanwhile, Helen Archer, a chemistry teacher from Hatfield with two tube socks and a bike chain, said: "Where are they? Where are they? It's alright, I can wait. I can wait forever."

Tom Logan, an English teacher from Peterborough who has been called an 'arse bandit' 800 times this year, added: "In its wisdom the British judicial system has handed me a massive blank cheque.

"I intend to fill it in and then quietly and methodically cash the absolute fucking shit out of it."

Julian Cook, a geography teacher form York, arrived early this morning carrying Jenny, his favourite cricket bat.

He said: "I am going to introduce Jenny to Kyle Stephenson in 4C. She's going to be his new girlfriend and she's going to go all the way...

"I'm ever so depressed."

Bert wrote:Hope there are no girls at BenSprocket's school. He does hate the women.

I know Tom Logan. He is an arse bandit. At weekends he holds people up for their arses in the foothills of the Sierra De Gredos which he takes back to his holiday villa. A modern day Zorro. Only with arses.

Bert wrote: A modern day Zorro. Only with arses.