Tony Jesus?

On Good Friday, the inevitable conclusion we all come to is that Tony is in fact Jesus Christ, the carpenter-escapologist from the questionable European football qualifying zone.

Here are ten reasons why this may be so:

1. Jesus sported a beard. And Tony? A bearded legend.

2. Jesus was from the Middle East. Tony is from the middle of the East End of London.

3. Jesus frequently performed miracles at will. Now are any of you following Tony's football bets? That's 3 out of 3, then. Don't fucking argue.

4. Jesus lived in an area bordering the Mediterranean and did wonderful things with fish and bread. Tony is a famed gourmand who particularly values fresh produce and telling us what he's done with it. Fresh paella and a crusty loaf? That's a match. And fucking eels too, but as the second half of the maxim goes, "you can't take the East End out if the boy".

5. Both are serious arse men. Prove me wrong. Nowhere in the bible does it say "and lo, Jesus saw the heaving buttocks and looked away, saying 'no thanks'".

6. Water into wine? Tony turns tiny pound coins into pint bottles (all but) of pear cider. Think that isn't a miracle? B&M strictly speaking as a Northern bargain bucket firm SHOULD NOT exist down south. Tony's patronage allows that miracle to happen. So there.

7. Jesus went into the temple and turned over the moneylenders benches for using something sacrilegiously to profit from it. Compare that to Tony's onslaught of the McCanns, who used the "disappearance" of their infant daughter as a springboard for a world tour.

8. Jesus carried a cross on his back up a hill. Tony once carried a roll of carpet out of Brent Cross, loaded it into a car and dropped it off in Muswell Hill. At 3pm on a Friday. That's not just a point, that's fucking spooky. A bit like the resurrection.

9. On today, Good Friday, he has the most appalling gout which is causing him immense pain. Jesus was crucified on the same day and had a spear plunged into his side and a hat of thorns on his head. Tony's foot makes a trinity of wounds - the father, son and holy fucking agony. And of course the trinity is just one person - three in one, like the hinge oil.

10. Once off the cross, Jesus slept for three days and then went somewhere nicer. Compare with Tony, who, once relieved of his crystallised uric acid, will sleep for three days and ultimately nick off back to Spain

Not convinced? Fuck off then. Next week I'll show you why BOAT could in fact be the Easter Bunny...

ttt.

Fuck me Bert...I AM JC!!
You should seriously be writing scripts that should be aired on the BBC radio comedy channel.
Brilliant.

Nobby Cheese wrote:

Fuck me Bert...I AM JC!!
You should seriously be writing scripts that should be aired on the BBC radio comedy channel.
Brilliant.

would explain the pains in your feet.
it's not gout,
it's where they drove that 6 inch nail all those years ago.

There's no biblical authority that the feet were nailed to the cross, Eric.

This is why research is so important

they were usually bound i believe.

typical storytellers.
artistic licence?

Nobby Cheese wrote:

Fuck me Bert...I AM JC!!
You should seriously be writing scripts that should be aired on the BBC radio comedy channel.
Brilliant.

I rang the BBC, Tone. They said it's a little bit too... antichrist for them and even more so in holy week.

When did the BBC start employing people with judgement?

erixter wrote:they were usually bound i believe.

typical storytellers.
artistic licence?

Very much so. It was all resurrection painters could do not to paint a fairground in the background

NotBert wrote:

erixter wrote:they were usually bound i believe.

typical storytellers.
artistic licence?

Very much so. It was all resurrection painters could do not to paint a fairground in the background

can't you just see it?

red candyfloss.

A month or so later, they'd have made the cross into a maypole and kids would have bound the Son of God up in multicolored fertility-driven pagan streamers. With a hint of messianic blood.

I'd like to have seen Gauguin paint that. He'd have had to have gone out and bought another few colours...

well,
seriously,
weren't they popular entertainment?
fast-food venders and the like attended such gatherings.

booze.
whores.

a grand day out.

No, you're right, Eric. I remember being in the Rossio in Lisbon once and it starting to rain. The square filled with umbrella salesmen instantaneously. Opportunism is a non-too-pretty human trait.

NotBert wrote:Opportunism is a non-too-pretty human trait.

i won't argue with that.

Great thread bert, put a big smile on my face.

For thise who need further convincing, here's the extrapolated image of the corpse they found a few years back saying "possibly Jesus"



Tony in messianic pose



replicated here

I fucking KNEW it...

Fuck me, this was only two months ago? My forgetfulness is in fifth gear and looking for a sixth, IMO

What did you get for your birthday, Tone?

1.01 Gold
1.01 Frankincense
1.01 Myrrh
1000 PS4
1000 Nice card from Joe Coral
1000 Anal (giving or, well, never say never...       )