The mysteries of life

ITV

They will leave thirty-five seconds of dead air between saying "the winner is..." and announcing the winner on Britain's Next Annoying Cunt but when England played the USA they returned from an ad literally a split second before the kick-off.

How does that work, then? When you have ten million watching something avidly, you don't fuck about with the suspense - the US have an entirely different response and are aware that time is in fact money and shows with dead air that provides nothing don't sell - indicating winners however, does. A prime example is that "Don't Forget The Lyrics". They'll turn over a $400,000 winning contestant (two away from the $1m) in a one-hour show and the next one will be up to $50k when the buzzer goes. Over here, you can't even win $400k equivalent but to get to the equivalent stage would take a show and a half. There'd be no end af Tarrantisation where the "suspense" is milked when all we're thinking is "for fuck's sake, get on with it. Chess is not a spectator sport".

Meanwhile, the entire country is tuned in to ITV for the opening game of England's World Cup campaign and we nearly miss the start because ITV are squeezing another few quid out of Gillette, Mars or Nike - ironically American companies who would frown on fucking up on their customer base by providing a service that is so poor that they would have you ringing Sky for their Sports.

Why are men in general aroused by the prospect of girl-on-girl action but horrified by man-on-man action? Pragmatically, one of them takes out two blokes from the competing pool of eligible men whereas the other basically puts a man in the position of "nae chance, pal, we don't do cock."

Yet your geezer goes "2" every time.

Bert wrote:ITV

They will leave thirty-five seconds of dead air between saying "the winner is..." and announcing the winner on Britain's Next Annoying Cunt but when England played the USA they returned from an ad literally a split second before the kick-off.

How does that work, then? When you have ten million watching something avidly, you don't fuck about with the suspense - the US have an entirely different response and are aware that time is in fact money and shows with dead air that provides nothing don't sell - indicating winners however, does. A prime example is that "Don't Forget The Lyrics". They'll turn over a $400,000 winning contestant (two away from the $1m) in a one-hour show and the next one will be up to $50k when the buzzer goes. Over here, you can't even win $400k equivalent but to get to the equivalent stage would take a show and a half. There'd be no end af Tarrantisation where the "suspense" is milked when all we're thinking is "for fuck's sake, get on with it. Chess is not a spectator sport".

Meanwhile, the entire country is tuned in to ITV for the opening game of England's World Cup campaign and we nearly miss the start because ITV are squeezing another few quid out of Gillette, Mars or Nike - ironically American companies who would frown on fucking up on their customer base by providing a service that is so poor that they would have you ringing Sky for their Sports.

I've got shitty Freeview and I didn't miss it.

Not the HD coverage, MG, but the terrestrial regular. They came out of an advert literally to kick off. I said to Mrs Bert "did they just try their best to miss the kick off?" and she replied "yes, yes they did".

How Alan Bennett does that sound?

Bert wrote:Not the HD coverage, MG, but the terrestrial regular. They came out of an advert literally to kick off. I said to Mrs Bert "did they just try their best to miss the kick off?" and she replied "yes, yes they did".

How Alan Bennett does that sound?

I saw this on another forum ...not PP

Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding HD viewing of the England v USA World Cup football match.



An error by ITV’s transmission providers, Technicolor, meant that ITV1 HD’s coverage of the England v USA match was interrupted for approximately 20 seconds. ITV1’s standard definition coverage was unaffected.



ITV immediately investigated this issue and a preliminary report has indicated that the cause of the problem was human error at Technicolor, in London. ITV's Sport production team in South Africa, who have produced high quality coverage throughout the tournament, were in no way responsible.



Richard Cross, Group Technology Director, ITV plc said: “We apologise unreservedly to viewers for the unacceptable interruption to high definition coverage of the match. We met with Technicolor first thing this morning to put in place measures to address the issue and to ensure that Technicolor takes the appropriate action with immediate effect."



May I take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to contact us here at ITV as we always welcome viewers’ feedback



Regards



ITV Viewer Services

Bert wrote:Not the HD coverage, MG, but the terrestrial regular. They came out of an advert literally to kick off. I said to Mrs Bert "did they just try their best to miss the kick off?" and she replied "yes, yes they did".

How Alan Bennett does that sound?

mines not HD its just normal.so I didnt see the goal live

They switched the HD over to regular, apparently, because of the problems that took place about four minutes in when England scored.

Load of bollocks that anyone but ITV was grubbing for cash with one eye on the screen for kickoff, though. HD or regular, neither of us were watching those last few seconds of limbering up before the whistle. Grabby cunts

Meanwhile, another mystery.

Why is fried food so fucking evil but if you do it "pan-fried" you turn into a hero in the exotic vein of Raymond Blanc?

Bert wrote:They switched the HD over to regular, apparently, because of the problems that took place about four minutes in when England scored.

Load of bollocks that anyone but ITV was grubbing for cash with one eye on the screen for kickoff, though. HD or regular, neither of us were watching those last few seconds of limbering up before the whistle. Grabby cunts

i knew ide seen it.

Bert wrote:Meanwhile, another mystery.

Why is fried food so fucking evil but if you do it "pan-fried" you turn into a hero in the exotic vein of Raymond Blanc?

its all to do with the type of oil, the absorbtion, the size of the food.but you probably know all this.

Sorry, MG, I haven't gone the right way about that. I'm not talking about deep frying

I mean that you can fry streaky bacon (which is a waste of bacon, IMO - back or middle, don't fuck about) in a teaspoon of olive oil, say, and you're made to feel like a fifties throwback who fills the cardiovascular wards throughout the land.

Throw a spring of parsley and call the bacon "pancetta" instead and you get a contract with Sainsbury's and an MBE in the Birthday honours.

Hedgerows, sparrows, tar bubbles and stripy workmen's tents. What took their place in society? What filled the void?

Bert wrote:Sorry, MG, I haven't gone the right way about that. I'm not talking about deep frying

I mean that you can fry streaky bacon (which is a waste of bacon, IMO - back or middle, don't fuck about) in a teaspoon of olive oil, say, and you're made to feel like a fifties throwback who fills the cardiovascular wards throughout the land.

Throw a spring of parsley and call the bacon "pancetta" instead and you get a contract with Sainsbury's and an MBE in the Birthday honours.

ahh I see.yes fancy names that are rustic sounding or Italian are now in vogue.I trained in French cookery which is a little passe now.

Why, despite it being a world of many languages, do people swear in English?

Bert wrote:Why, despite it being a world of many languages, do people swear in English?

we probably invented it.

Far better oaths across the world, MG. Built to scar, lovingly (sic) constructed to the point that saying "leche" in the right tone to a Spaniard (which is "milk") will cause a pitched brawl.

Yet the world is stuck on "fuck".

One of my perennial bugbears this, especially with kids learning to read.

People advertising for sexually dubious practices in public toilets. Why? No-one believes that if you have nine inches worth and the morals of someone who will post your mobile number or (I don't even understand this) your email address for "camera fun" in a pissoir, you need to cottage to find somewhere to park it.

I remember seeing someone having done precisely this at the foot of Moel Famau. What, you have a persuasion for mid-fifties bearded RE teachers who have walking sticks with those wraparound badges on them? And did you get a bus out to this spot to write up that you were seeking "gen cock fun"? Why didn't you spend the fare on going to Rhyl and actually getting shagged, possibly by that fucking racist teacher off PP?

And why "gen cock fun"? Is there any other kind? "I'll fake it for you and stick a finger up my arse, call Paul or Nigel but do call"?

When does your taste in women/men change? "About 20" is now passed by - they look like bairns. Yet when you were 20, they didn't. Aged forty, you're more likely to seek out a thirtysomething upwards, although you still stop short of a Cartland. If you're a bloke and shooting lower than that thirty-odd zone, you're a dirty old man or worse. If you're a woman doing the same, the term "cougar" has been created. And it's not flattering (apparently for comparison purposes, there is the term "manther". That amuses me)

At what point do we cross over? I'm not looking forward to the generation where I start lusting after Dot Cotton...

I always tend to fancy men 15/20 years younger.Obviously not when I was a 20 yr old.

That's it, though, MG - "always"? Looking at a nineteen-year-old now I'd probably wonder what her mother is like which I think should sadden me but I'm quite happy it doesn't. And I have a good record with 19-year-olds...

i seem to attract men 20+ yrs older than me, wtf is going on?????

sheilalma wrote:i seem to attract men 20+ yrs older than me, wtf is going on?????

Oh I don't think so... (insert Leslie Philips here)

but saying that ive been talking to a couple of men in their mid to late 50's and found them fanciable.

Its official, Im old.

Women do that, though. All the Connerys and Clooneys, doesn't work the other way.

(That's not true, actually - anyone who'd turn down a threeway with Halle Berry and Elle McPherson is either gay or a liar. Yes, that does include women; you all know you'd be up for it.)

i still look at young men and fancy them , there is a hot 17yr old at the chippy its like my body has aged but my brain hasnt ,