Little Johnny

walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad laughs and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get out of here, you little sod"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a load of noise coming from little Johnny's bedroom, he goes up to find little Johnny giving his Nan a good seeing to - little Johnny smiles and says "it's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

really abdul you go to the boozer every night and thats the best you can do , im younger than that joke

Bloke walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The barman looks at the bloke and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The bloke finishes his drink, pays for his pint and pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the bloke is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a big fat cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a salted peanut, and again sticks it up his arsehole, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the bloke.

"Well, he stuck both a cherry and a salted peanut up his ringpiece, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the barman.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet, the nun who is driving says to the other nun "quick, show him your cross"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts "get off our fucking car you stupid cunt"

An Englishman, German, and French man are in the dark African rainforests looking for a lost tribe to study. After three days, they found the tribe. The researchers were ecstatic, except the tribe. Being very paranoid of strangers, they killed anyone who came to their village. They came to kill the foreign men, but the foreigners managed to convince them to change their minds. The chief of the tribe presents the men two alternatives: Get fucked in the ass, also called Bunga by the natives, and live or die. The French man comes up first and says "Ravage me." Five tribe members perform Bunga on him and then let him go. French man sits aside to wait for his companions. German guy steps forward and tells the tribe "Ok, let's do this." After 5 members had their way with him, the German gets up and walks over to the Frenchman. The Englishman looked the chief right in the eyes and said "I would rather die". The chief nods, and ties the Englishman down on top of a tree stump. After a minute of silence, the chief yells out to his tribe "DEATH BY BUNGA!!!"