have been thinking,contemplating,appraising,summing-up,evaluating,my life.

yeah,i'm off again.

i have suicides on my fathers side.
insanity on my mother's side,apparently.

maybe i'm (as my mother quaintly puts it) troubled.

i should as ABKO pointed out be pleased about what i have,
and it IS all relative.
but i just can't,don't,and/or won't,see it that way.

for a long time now my life is,and has been,about working the next shift,to pay the next bill.

have become totally detached from my family.
and while i see the shame,and the tragedy of that,it's how i want it.

i am slowly,deliberately,detaching myself from the people around me.
at work,and outside work.

i wonder about my mental state,
not talking depression here.

i do wish that i wanted normallity,
like,
real friends,
a social life,
real life leisure activities/interests.

but all i want to do is,,,,,,
well,
what DO i want?

i want nothingness,
but that bores me.



i crave a solitary life.

a small place to while away my life in.
one bed,
livingroom,
kitchen.
one plate,cup,saucer,knife and fork on the drainer.

but there will always be people.
i'm no good with people.

and yet we can't exist without them.

i don't know how long i can go on with this shit.
oh i won't top myself,
so what am i gonna do?

well,
i think i should give you and this online gig a rest.
football is quiet right now.

so maybe i should restrict my activies to firing up the lappie every few days,just to keep it working,then just stay away.

i really do think that i should speak to somebody about this,
but where do you start?
and i have so much baggage now.
i just want to get away from life.

but i'm not wanting to die.

i don't know what to do.

so,
if i'm gone for a while.

i hope you'll still be here.

we'll see eh?

just walk in the docs and tell him what you have just told us.
see you around eric.