Shark attacked by British holidaymakers

A GREAT WHITE shark escaped with cuts and bruises after straying into coastal waters full of British drunks.

The 21ft sea predator had strayed drastically from its traditional hunting grounds in the waters of warmer, more civilised countries, emerging near Newquay during a stag weekend.

Stag organiser Tom Logan said: "We were just leaving a kebab shop around midnight, with aspirations toward punching some random stranger in the eye socket, when one of the lads spotted this big thing in the sea.

"There were two massive black beady eyes just below the water level, looking at us proper funny like.

"Definitely it was asking for a kicking. So we got in the water and set about it, hitting it with Grolsch bottles and trying to pulls its fins off, because only gays have fins.

"Scottish Steve lost a leg but whatever, he was too pissed to notice."

The stag party dragged the shark ashore, where they continued to set about it, joined by a hen party from Dundee and a shirtless man with a 'Made in Britain' tattoo who urinated onto its face, before it finally managed to slither back into the sea.

Marine biologist Dr Emma Bradford said: "Sharks are accustomed to humans from hot, pleasant regions without a deeply ingrained culture of hedonistic violence, which makes them extremely vulnerable in the waters and streets of the UK.

"Despite what you may have seen in Jaws, they actively avoid humans and if encountered should not be headbutted.

Office bitch sweating like a navvy

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

Across the country, arrogant, self-assured women who never put a foot wrong are set to be brought down to the same level as ordinary scum like you.

With southern England set to be hotter than a cup of tea, office workers are relishing the thought of that smarmy cow dripping like a fat, hairy builder.

Emma Bradford, from Finsbury Park, said: "There is nothing more satisfying than seeing someone who thinks they're better than you getting uncomfortably moist.

"And even though I have to sit across from her, I hope she fucking stinks."

And as beads of sweat begin their epic journeys towards millions of defenceless buttock clefts, overweight man Bill McKay unveiled plans to take his shirt off in the park.

He said: "I know how keen people are to see my naked torso, especially my lovely breasts.

"So not only am I going to take my shirt off, I am going to parade around the park for my entire lunch hour so that as many people as possible can enjoy their sandwiches while gazing wistfully at my glistening folds.

"And I won't hear a word of thanks, as it is my absolute pleasure."

Dalglish spends £8m at vending machine


LIVERPOOL manager Kenny Dalglish has defended his decision to spend £8m on a bag of crisps and a can of Irn Bru.

He fought off bids from rival managers who were willing to pay up to £1.30 for the snacks and sees the purchase as a sign of Liverpool's renewed ambition.

He continued to stuff cheques into the coin slot of the vending machine until an engineer was called.

Dalglish said: "You've got to understand that there's always a premium for home-grown soft drinks like Irn Bru as they instinctively understand the British way of having lunch. And it's a full sugar can so it's got bags of energy.

"Combined with the crisps - limited edition Marmite flavour so we really had to loosen the purse strings - it's going to go brilliantly with this corned beef roll that I picked up for £20m.

"It's Fray Bentos corned beef so I'm expecting a bit of that South American flair with my dinner today. It's the kind of meal that tells the Chelseas and the Uniteds that we mean exceptionally expensive business."

Assistant Steve Clarke has angrily asked why nobody was monitoring Dalglish while the former Chelsea man was away in Italy being shown around the remains of Aquilani.

Clarke said: "I thought we had learned from January when he was allowed out for an hour to see what was in the John Lewis sale and he came back with a sofa shaped like Andy Carroll that we've no room for?"

Bishops only allowed to think about hot anal sex

GAY people can become Church of England bishops if they promise to just think about boisterous anal sex with a greasy plumber.

The Church is to unveil guidelines setting out exactly how gay bishops can be and which parts of another man they can touch with their bare hands.

Senior clergy have agreed what they hope will be a successful compromise, allowing Bishops to be substantially homosexual on the inside of their own heads.

Reverend Julian Cook, associate dean of Stevenage Cathedral, said: "Surely it is better if a bishop conducts communion while thinking about being pummelled by a sweaty manual worker rather than having just arrived from actually being pummelled by a sweaty manual worker.

"Surely it is better to have a bishop with a far away look in his eye and a burgeoning semi, than a bishop that actively reeks of dirty sex."

But there is still confusion over whether Church of England bishops can watch gay porn.

Reverend Cook added: "Should we allow them to watch films where two men touch each other in the penis and perhaps indulge in a tastefully photographed bout of reciprocated oral pleasuring?

"Or will that simply cause a bishop to take off his hat, get in his car and make a bee-line for his nearest naval base?

"I don't think we can make a definitive decision on this until we have once again pondered St Trevor's Letter to the Abrasions."

Fabregas to stage one-man slut-walk

ARSENAL'S Cesc Fabregas is to stage a solo 'slut-walk' after Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola accused him of wanton teasery.

As the two men leer at each other from across a crowded European mainland for the third year in a row, Gunners boss Arsene Wenger was warned that his captain's mouth might be saying no but his eyes totally say yes.

Guardiola said: "He was saying how much he liked my midfield and was asking to have a go at my free-flowing 4-3-3 system but as soon as I made a move he went running back to Arsene saying I was hitting on him.

"He parades around the place practising one-touch football, showing intelligent off-the-ball movement and being all Catalan but acts offended if you offer him a bit of Camp Nou.

"Look at those thighs and tell me he's not gagging for a five-year contract."


But Fabregas has insisted he is simply a modern footballer who should be able to enjoy his freedom without being branded a dirty slut.

He will walk through north London on Satrurday wearing silky shorts and bright red football boots while carrying a placard saying, 'It's my hot body and I do what I want'.
Meanwhile Wenger said Fabregas retains little of the enthusiasm and experimentation he used to show between the goalposts.

The Arsenal manager said: "He'd be up for anything - mazy dribbles, defence-splitting passes, even a bit of 'helping out at the back' when he was really in the mood.

"But toward the end of the season he just completed perfunctory five-yard passes with a look in his eyes like he'd rather be somewhere else."

However, Guardiola insisted: "I'm no team-wrecker and I'm not trying to get between Cesc and his club but yes, given half the chance I'd love to coach the arse off him."

Capello sends Owen highlights DVD

FABIO Capello has responded to Michael Owen questioning his exile from the England squad by burning him a DVD of the last five years of his career.

The England manager has provided a commentary pointing out all the times Owen can be seen sitting on the bench playing with his phone.

He has also added a blooper reel of the alleged striker warming up on the touchline during a match before returning to his world class seat for the rest of it.

Capello said: "I understand Michael's frustration but there are many factors in the selection process and somebody being a jumped-up little tit can sometimes be a deal-breaker.

"Admittedly this hasn't hampered Terry, Rooney, Gerrard and at least 15 others but then they haven't produced a 34-page brochure about themselves as if they were a new Audi.

"We simply have somebody ahead of him in the pecking order in every department - Heskey is better at not scoring goals, Carrick is better at being permanently injured and Joe Cole is better at strutting around like a deluded ponce."

Copies of the Owen DVD will be available to buy next week, with retailers warning that the disc will initially play brilliantly but start to break down on a regular basis and will cost an absolute fortune, despite the fact consumers will probably only play it a couple of times a year.

Owen is said to be disappointed by Capello's response, a reaction which has unfortunately torn his left anterior disappointment cartilage.

Priceless stuff!