Elton John speaks

"Of course, as everyone knows, I've always been a great football fan - something that started when I was a child. An uncle of mine played and scored in the 1959 FA Cup Final. Ray Dwight of Nottingham Forest became the first, and so far only, player to first score a goal and then break his bastard leg in a Cup Final. Naturally, being from some obscure place down south, I was forced to support some team of no-hopers like Watford. It was either them or Luton or Northampton or even, God forbid, Spurs. I liked nothing better than to go and watch as twenty-two men threw themselves gaily about in their shorts and clingy shirts, sometimes covered in mud, sometimes heaving and sweating, for ninety glorious minutes. I well recall my first ever sexual experience - a Watford home game against Leeds United in the League Cup in 1962. I was so turned on by the sight of that cunt Sir Jack Charlton that I reached down and tried wanking off a fellow spectator. He punched me in the face and kicked me down the steps. But I still enjoy such delights to this day, though only when I'm on tour and David isn't watching. The bummer. But I don't bother with football any more. When I was rich and married and pretending not to be queer, I bought my beloved Watford Football Club; within a few years I had took them from the lows of Division 4 to the dizzy heights of the old First Division. We even finished second one season behind them twats Liverpool, and the following year were runners-up in the Cup Final to someone else. I didn't see much of the game because I was blubbering all the way through it - not because I was emotional, but because I was about to become an arse bandit and everyone would laugh at my silly wig. Naturally, when I did turn queer, it became impossible for me to watch football any more or be involved with Watford FC. Before becoming a notorious bum burglar I would enjoy going into the dressing rooms before games and talking to the players; afterwards, once I had announced to the world that I liked to take it up the mudbox, this became unhealthy. Players were afraid that, being a sausage jockey, I might want to feel their arses, play with their dicks or even bum them. As indeed I might of done. So I parted buttocks...er, I mean parted company with Watford FC and ran off with David Furniture, my bum chum. Now I couldn't give a fuck about football because it's shit. I'm far too busy bringing up our queer son, Zachary Bumfluff Emily Nugent Plank Breadth Zachary Anal Bottom Filth John-Furniture III, not catching AIDS or trying not to look at men's dicks when David isn't watching. The fucking queer gay bastard."

Still, at least their son has a good chance of a normal upbringing, after all there is nothing wrong with a queer pensioner with drink, drug, food and psychological disorders knocking one out into a turkey baster and paying some american woman to have the outcome, so he and his boyfriend can play happy families.

Sounds like a thoroughly normal home environment.

I am dubious that Elton actually said that, Tone.

NotBert wrote:I am dubious that Elton actually said that, Tone.

I know, a nice change of pace for me, that. May reply like that more often (not to the same gag - that would be as funny as that other dickhead place we used to post that I'd all but forgotten about)