lying back,feelings of fatigue,legs hurting like stink,waiting for a game,allowing the mind to wander.meanderings,and all that.

trying to shut out thoughts of work,
but the unpleasantness of it all hammers at the door of my mind.

god my legs.
how can there not be something physically wrong with them?
the doc said i was fine.
jesus!

this thai ish female that walks past my stop some nights.
one night last year,
i'd just had my yearly haircut,
almost bald.

"you've cut your hair".
she said,in passing.
"looks better".

"errr yeah."
i mumbled,
groping for a cool verbal response.
like some unsure 15 yr old.

i see her quite often.
she has a small child.
4/5 yrs old maybe.
married/attached?
who knows?

it set me thinking;
you read about married men in their late 40s & early 50s,
suddenly jumping ship,
for the younger temptress.
and i can sort of see why.

the sweetness of a young body.
the allure of certain possibilities long forgotten.
i might have jumped not so long ago,
had i not been so lacking in confidence,
and so fearing of the "what if?".

and then i think about the assumed/imagined/taken for granted almost,
promise of sexual encouter with a woman so much younger than myself.

my now wife had been there,
put up with it all,
when i really had,had a libido,
wanting sex 24/7.
it hadn't seemed relevant that i was totally useless at it.
selfish and self-satisfying.
she really did put up with a lot,
as women do.

when a woman latches onto a 50 something.
all she has to do is lie back,
put up with heaving sweaty old sod,
barely able to get an erection,
let alone maintain it,
or achieve and sustain penetration.

so:
as she lies there,
making plans for the morrow;
appointment with hairstylist.
see the bank-manager.
lunch with the girls.
shopping.
etc.

"how was it for you darling?"
"eh?oh!errr yeah,wow!"
laughing inwardly.
how absurd.
how ridiculous a situation is that?

as i walked to my bus-stop,
one night last week,
i saw afore-mentioned thai woman walking towards me,
she caught my gaze,
or maybe i caught hers,
or both.
and she stared into my eyes,
for what seemed like an eternity.
nine or ten seconds actually.
not a word spoken.

she likes me?
maybe.
is looking for the security of having a good, solid, reliable,
hard working,love-starved,self-pitying bloke?
again,
maybe.

oh my fuckin legs.

so much time to think.
well,
think,
because i'm too worn out to be doing.

and for now that's it.

erixter's sunday afternoon.