Dear Holly

Dear holly,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months and things are starting to get heavy. We've done practically everything except full intercourse, and I think I'm ready to take things to the next stage and let him stay over the whole night. The only problem is, I'm not sure how to divert the care assistant's attention long enough to sneak Walter into my room. Any suggestions?
Edna,
Treetops Residential Nursing Home,
Oakham


Dear Holly,
I met a woman called Barbara online in a Chris De Burgh fan forum last year, and for many months we have been emailing back and forth, getting to know one another and discussing our shared passion for Chris' phenomenal music. Last week, we plucked up the courage to finally meet. But as soon as I saw her, it swiftly became apparent that Barbara had been somewhat economical with the truth about her appearance. Although she had led me to believe she was a young, pretty blonde, it turned out that she would be better described as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rick Parfitt from Status Quo. I feel slightly cheated by her duplicity but at the same time I haven't had sex for three years and I am 86% confident she will let me sleep with her. Do you think I should continue the friendship, in spite of her unsightliness?
Wayne,
Barnsley


Dear Holly,
My boss must be very clumsy because he's forever dropping items of stationery on the floor and requesting that I bend over to pick them up, usually on the days I am wearing a low cut top. I think maybe he might be interested in something more than just my typing skills, but I am worried about mixing business with pleasure. Do you think this would be a bad idea?
Pricilla
Kent


Dear Holly,
I've been big-boned all my life and no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot shift the pounds. I've started reading women's magazines in the hope that their pervasive and sinister message will somehow filter into my psyche and stop me from being so repulsive. If that doesn't work I might even have to consider reducing my vast daily intake of steak flavour McCoys, or even try to walk to the chip shop of an evening. Is it because of my genes?
Jane,
Birmingham


Dear Holly,
I am thinking of buying my girlfriend a sexy negligee to wear in bed. I have the suspicion that this might be more arousing to look at than her usual '2005 Race for Life' T-Shirt-and-Primark-sweatpants-combo. However, I don't want to upset her by buying anything too racy. Do you think something in black and red lace with nipple holes and a split-crotch gusset will strike the right chord of subtle femininity?
Angus,
Felixstowe

Dear Holly,
I met a woman called Barbara online in a Chris De Burgh fan forum last year, and for many months we have been emailing back and forth, getting to know one another and discussing our shared passion for Chris' phenomenal music. Last week, we plucked up the courage to finally meet. But as soon as I saw her, it swiftly became apparent that Barbara had been somewhat economical with the truth about her appearance. Although she had led me to believe she was a young, pretty blonde, it turned out that she would be better described as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rick Parfitt from Status Quo. I feel slightly cheated by her duplicity but at the same time I haven't had sex for three years and I am 86% confident she will let me sleep with her. Do you think I should continue the friendship, in spite of her unsightliness?
Bitofatwat,
Barnsley

Dirty Diego wrote:Dear Holly,
I met a woman called Barbara online in a Chris De Burgh fan forum last year, and for many months we have been emailing back and forth, getting to know one another and discussing our shared passion for Chris' phenomenal music. Last week, we plucked up the courage to finally meet. But as soon as I saw her, it swiftly became apparent that Barbara had been somewhat economical with the truth about her appearance. Although she had led me to believe she was a young, pretty blonde, it turned out that she would be better described as bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rick Parfitt from Status Quo. I feel slightly cheated by her duplicity but at the same time I haven't had sex for three years and I am 86% confident she will let me sleep with her. Do you think I should continue the friendship, in spite of her unsightliness?
Bitofatwat,
Barnsley

Didn't have you down as a Chris De Burgh fan, Boat

bitofatwat wrote:Dear holly,

I've been seeing my boyfriend for a couple of months and things are starting to get heavy. We've done practically everything except full intercourse, and I think I'm ready to take things to the next stage and let him stay over the whole night. The only problem is, I'm not sure how to divert the care assistant's attention long enough to sneak Walter into my room. Any suggestions?
Edna,
Treetops Residential Nursing Home,
Oakham

If you put the Chris De Burgh fan with the cross-dressing posts, what new hell do you create?

I know Barbara. She's a fucking cunt.

Spoiler: