woken by my aches,and thinking of stickie,and a brisk walk in the fresh air.

noneed to worry about my aches and pains cos there's nothing physically wrong with me.
there were blood-tests.
i'm fine.REALLY.
but stickie?

i had decided that i'd just turn up at my bus-stop and,
i see her or i don't.
she speaks or she doesn't.
whatever.

well,
i was there this morning,
head firmly in my sun crossword when she rushed by,
"morninggggggg!"
she let out a very short chuckle,
and whoosh!
gone.

i'm not going to try to work it out.
men have been doing that for centuries.

she obviously feels able to speak to me,
just being kind?
not wanting to seem ignorant ?
having a laugh?
feeling inclined to chat but doesn't dare ?
whatever.
and she doesn't HAVE to walk by my stop anytime.

so,
i'll try not to think about it too much.

___________________________________________

having done my wednesday shopping jaunt,
i feel a bit more settled now.

i wonder if stickie feels how i feel.
it probably hasn't entered her head.

y'know,
i found myself thinking.
all this lecherous rubbish that i spout from time to time,
and i don't think that i'm any worse,or much worse,than most men for thinking that shit.
am i?

anyway,
yes she has walked past my stop and i've thought certain thoughts.
and on other occassions,i've found myself thinking how nice she seems.
and at other times,
like now,
i find myself thinking,
do i really want get to know her?
shake her tree/rattle her cage?
get involved/have some sort of relationship going with her?
just because i feel sorry for myself?

how awful would that be?
how guilty would i feel?
how "used" would SHE feel?

all this is pure conjecture of course.
but IF she was un-attached,
and IF she has thought about me,AT all,
might she be thinking along similar lines.

something like,
yeah,
he seems okay,
but,
do i really NEED that shit?

yeah-buts,
no-buts,
what-ifs?
and maybes.

i'm at it again.