well that didn't work....(it's a vent....and it's a biggie....sorry.)

i went to bed,hoping for to sleep.
i didn't.
i just lied there,
overwhelmed with feelings of such moroseness.
the idle mind.
when mine is idle,
it can be awful.
it really can.

i'm hoping for so much,
or maybe even the slightest inducement of improvement,
from the sleeping-bag and tiger balm thing.

absurd.
ridiculous.
i know.
but one can only hope.

if only i could shake off this mood of lethargy.
get up.
go out.
you might say.
why?
go for a walk then.
why?
where would i go?
and if i did go out,
for a walk,
i'd only think.
i just can't switch off.
brain is constantly whirring.

always,
well,
not good thoughts.
that's for sure.

if i could only get rid of the aches and pains in my legs.

and then i find myself thinking back to that "stickie business".

she walks past my old bus-stop much earlier nowadays.
i sometimes catch a glimpse of her.
body stooped forwards,
head bowed.
walking at full tilt.

stickie,
like my mother's fuschia.
there's this fuschia bush growing in my mother's front garden.
i don't know much about flowers,
but i DO like fuschias.
having cut it back,
right down to the ground,
and always fearing that i've killed it,
never to return,
i see the very first shoots,
stems,
then branches.
i even enjoy the shade of green of the leaves.
and finally,
the beautiful,
most delicate little flowers that you could imagine.
a strong/bright red.
it does actually,
stay in bloom for quite a while,
but,
as with with any flower,
it has it's season.
it flourishes,
and it withers.


i wonder;
maybe she figured it all out eventually.
and maybe she just thinks she has.
maybe she's got me down as some right old weirdo.
maybe i am.
a right old weirdo.
i wish could have explained.
i wish i could have told her.
how might she feel about some old man finding her attractive?
smug?
shocked?
offended?


i shall never know.

if only i'd dared.

and having said that,
she used to rush by my stop,
still does,
like the devil himself was after her.
or rather,
waiting AT the bus-stop.
maybe,
now THERE'S a thought.

well,
anyway,
i shall always wonder.

i'm sure we've all experienced this type of thing.
where,
somebody inadvertantly,
flits into your life,
not even aware that you exist.
and yet so,
THERE!
but with "normal" people,
they disappear.
and you get on with your life.
"normal" people don't obsess like i do.

maybe it's because mine is so empty.

when something happens in my life,
it's seems so "STAND OUT. in my face",
because in my mind,
i'm on a treadmill,
that's not to say that it's particularly bad.
it's just that,
my day to day existance is so predictably,routine.


oh well,
betfair at mid-day.
was on quite a roll yesterday,
until my very last game.
and it was fuckin calamitous.
and it's back to square one.
well,
almost.

i now have a new list of do's and don'ts,
that i shall probably disregard,
and end up beating myself up over it.

happy days.






i sometimes think that i wouldn't some sex.
nothing mad,wild,or too exciting.
just,
nice gentle strokes,
with a nice uncomplicated woman.
y'know?
but then,
the euphoria is short-lived.
and,
oh i don't know.
maybe not.
i DO think that would be nice to have somebody sometimes though.