Olympic Trivia

"As the nations arrived in the stadium, we decided that rather than provide routine audio facts to talk us through, we'd provide legends with real facts on population and history and so forth and then just make some random shit up as we've had a bit to drink..."

"With that in mind, here's Trinidad and Tobago, the only country in the world to be named after a short-lived NBC-produced 1970s detective series..."

"Here's Aruba, which took its name from a chant derived from its non-denominational worship of Kriss Akabusi which arose from a visit he made when part of John Fashanu's stag week group..."

"Landlocked Lesotho, its name evolved from the first bloke to set up a newspaper shop there, Les Hawthorne, a pioneering newsagent from Dudley who also introduced the country to Double Deckers, loose cigarettes and small ads in the window for odd job men with a van and for "massage"..."

"Bhutan, a nation which, although it has a ban on sausagemeat, does not have any such prohibition on sausages and so if they have a barbecue, they have to import."

Nearby Venezuela, whose name means "dirty little Venice", is so named because it's full of small versions of blokes in stripy tops who pinch lasses' arses, women who sing when they are stabbed and rivers and canals that smell like a brothel's slop bucket. The name was given it by Cecil Rhodes, who went there before his African escapades. He caught a dose after fucking a goat.

"Chad, a nation founded by an American student of that name on his gap year who got stoned in Morocco and took a wrong turn when intending to smuggle a hash sausage up his rectum into Spain."

"Qatar, the only nation in the world where the death penalty is retained for using the letter 'U'... The last arrests for the same were three years ago where a group of Welsh tourists had smuggled in a number by pronouncing them as "Y"s. They were released when the Qataris realised they couldn't call an enquiry"

"Here's Monaco, a country that was originally a company that became self-governing. It was founded by a woman named Mona. Fuck off, you all knew it was coming..."

"St Vincent and the Grenadines, the biggest selling boy band in the bible"

"Benin, formerly Dahomey, was founded by a question in slang patois when somebody asked if the "homeboy" named "Benjamin" was present.

Dahomey Benin? Come on, work with me"

"Here's Mali, formerly a partner nation with Scruj uuntil Scruj developed an obsession with the sickened nation of Thai-Ni-Timm"

"Here's Iceland, famous for its volcanic constitution, its geothermal self-sufficiency for energy and the base of an easy gag about how your next four shops gets you a free fiver on your Bonus card. And they deliver free if you spend a score."

"And Belize, formerly British Honduras, whose national anthem was penned by Engelbert Humperdinck when he was arrested in a case of mistaken identity"


FRED

ENGELBERT


"Belize, release me, let me go"

Fuck off, you laughed

"Kenya, who, like Belize, has a famous chanteur responsible for not one but two of its national anthems. The Mombasa strip has the national anthem penned by Michael Jackson - 'Kenya, feel it' - while former colonial Kenya has the anthem "Kenya, feel the love tonight' by Elton John."