Jokes

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it, he phones the police and says, bejesus, i've found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb. the operator asks, is it tickin? paddy replies, no i tink its beef

with hindsight i should have posted my facebook status as "i have blown the head gasket on my 1997 ford" rather than "i've just fucked a 16 year old escort"

man making love to a 30 stone woman "any chance we can have the light switched off?"
she says, "why, do you find me so repulsive?", "no, its burning my arse"

two guys are sat in a pub together, when one turns to the other and says, "i fucked your mum last night. we did everything. i fucked her missionary, doggy and reverse cowgirl, then i licked her bumhole, while she fingered mine, then she gave me a tit wank, whilst sucking my cock and i spunked all over her face"
The other guy puts his pint down and says, "lets go home dad i think you've had enough"

mates just hired a eastern European cleaner, took her 5 fuckin days to Hoover the house! Turns out she was a Slovak!