a few jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hooverthe house. Turns out she was a Slovak



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

I hate having Tourette's. It makes you shout out things you don't want to shout out.

For example, yesterday I was walking along the road when I spotted a Pakistani guy walking on the other side of the road and I shouted out "Good morning sir, I hope you are well."


2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"He just blanked me the ignorant bastard.

Paddy and Murphy are in a pub when a woman starts choking on her food!
As she starts to go blue in the face Paddy rushes over and goes behind her, whips her skirt up, pulls her knickers down and runs his tongue up and down between the cheeks of her arse!
The horrified woman gasps and spits the food out across the room.
Murphy says "Well done Paddy, I've heard of the hind lick manoeuvre, but that's the first time I've seen it done!"

Gerry Rafferty is to be buried inbetween Ronald MacDonald and Heath Ledger.
A clown to the left of him and a joker to the right........

Got any funny ones?

Mad Tony wrote:Got any funny ones?

Best i could find on a damp monday Tony....DD's the man

Apparently, I can't say "Black paint!" any more.

I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

I don't like to be racist, but these blacks really don't give me a choice. I caught one of them trying to undo the lock on my car boot the other day.
Doesn't he realise he's in there for a reason!

RACIST

Fuck off wog.

Its like the wheeltappers and shunters all over again.

I have blue eyes, I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes... She also got them from my father.

Q. What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne?
A. A waiter
 
Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
A. A fisherman
 
Q. Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
A. They don't have any openers
 
Q. What's the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball
 
Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?
A. Retired
 
 
Ring Ring.....
“Hello - Australian team dressing room”
“Hello mate...Can I speak to Ricky Ponting please?”
“Sorry mate -  he's just gone out to bat...”
“It's OK - I'll hold....”
 
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?
A. An all rounder.
 
Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
 
Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
 
Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
 
Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
 
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
 
Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
 
Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come
from.
 
Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.
 
Q. What does Steve Smith put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?
A. A bat
 

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
 
The madam replies $60.
 
"Wow, what do I get for that?" he says.
 
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt”.