Joke

This blokes been stranded on a desert island for 10 years, never seen a soul, then one day he sees a plane crash into the sea some way off shore. Next day, he finds the unconscious body of an air stewardess on the beach, so he carries her to his camp and nurses her back to health.
When she comes round , he tells her his story . She suddenly says, 'would you like a drink? and pulls a bottle of Double Maxim from her flight bag.
'Fucking hell' he says, 'I've dreamt about the ale for 10 long years, this is unbelievable', and downs the pint in one, in absolute extasy.

A few minutes later, she says 'fancy a smoke?, and pulls 20 cigarettes and a lighter out, and passes him a fag. Again he is overwhelmed, telling how he has craved a cigarette in 10 long years. When he finishes his fag he says, 'Well you have made me the happiest man alive today'

The stewardess comes over and sits close to him, and says, 'the best is yet to come, You've enjoyed your beer, and had a lovely smoke, but I bet I know what you've missed the most in the last 10 years', and slowly starts to unbutton her top........

'Fuck me', he says...' don't tell me you've brought a fucking chip pan as well'...

it's a northern thing

Dreadfully bad joke.

Crap.

Made me laugh

here's one for Tony

Guy walks up to a bar and says, "Gin. A jigger, nigger."

Bartender is offended. "How dare you talk to me that way?"

Guy replies, "C'mon, just give me a jigger, nigger!"

Bartender challenges him, "How would you like to trade places and see how it feels, asshole?"

Guy shrugs and walks behind the bar. Bartender goes around front and says, "Gimme a drink, chink."

"Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

What do you call an Ethiopian family portrait?

A barcode.

bitofatwat wrote:here's one for Tony

Guy walks up to a bar and says, "Gin. A jigger, nigger."

Bartender is offended. "How dare you talk to me that way?"

Guy replies, "C'mon, just give me a jigger, nigger!"

Bartender challenges him, "How would you like to trade places and see how it feels, asshole?"

Guy shrugs and walks behind the bar. Bartender goes around front and says, "Gimme a drink, chink."

"Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

What a pair of sexist bastards Andy Gray and Richard Keys are. If she is up to date with the ironing, the spuds have been peeled and her husbands cock doesnt require any further attention then let her have a go at running the line.

whats the difference between basil brush and a muslim......


a muslim only goes boom once !

RACIST

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive."
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"
Wiped the smug look off her face.

Cheryl Cole was asked, "What would you do if this was the last day on earth? "

To which she replied, "Probably spend time with the people I love the most."

Incorrect Cheryl. I think you'll find that your last day would be spent running terrified from a lot of men wanting to fulfil their last-day-on-Earth plans.

The insurance side of sex........
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.
Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.
Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.
Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.
Sex with a lady boy - Confused. com.

a young boy with a black dad and jewish white mother approaches his dad.

"Am I more jewish or am I more black?" he asks.

dad replies "wtf? I.. don't know. go ask your mam"

"Mam am I more jewish or more black? Which one am I more?" he asks.

"Son why does it matter?" his mam replies.

"Sam is selling his new bike. He wants £30." the kid says.

"So?" said his mam.

"Well I'm not sure if I want to Jew him down to £15 or just wait til it gets dark and steal the fucker"

So let me get this right

Glenn Hoddle was sacked for saying disabled people were all evil in a former life
Ron Atkinson was sacked for replaying "Love Thy Neighbour" to a live audience (in tonight's episode, Rudi Walker's role will be covered by Marcel Desailly)
Andy Gray was sacked for trying to get someone, anyone, to give him a wank and a bacon sandwich and then fuck off before he gave her a slap

Graham Taylor must be regretting calling his forthcoming autobiography "Fuck Off Benders, You Caused The Tsunami"

Bert wrote:So let me get this right

Glenn Hoddle was sacked for saying disabled people were all evil in a former life
Ron Atkinson was sacked for replaying "Love Thy Neighbour" to a live audience (in tonight's episode, Rudi Walker's role will be covered by Marcel Desailly)
Andy Gray was sacked for trying to get someone, anyone, to give him a wank and a bacon sandwich and then fuck off before he gave her a slap

Graham Taylor must be regretting calling his forthcoming autobiography "Fuck Off Benders, You Caused The Tsunami"

Who many female sky sports floor technicians does it take to change Andy Grays dressing room light bulb?

Answer

Spoiler:

Why does Noddy wear a little red hat with a yellow bell on the end?

Because he's a cunt

bitofatwat wrote:here's one for Tony

Guy walks up to a bar and says, "Gin. A jigger, nigger."

Bartender is offended. "How dare you talk to me that way?"

Guy replies, "C'mon, just give me a jigger, nigger!"

Bartender challenges him, "How would you like to trade places and see how it feels, asshole?"

Guy shrugs and walks behind the bar. Bartender goes around front and says, "Gimme a drink, chink."

"Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

6ft 4in man in toilet looks to his left & sees a little man peeing out of a huge penis. He says "That's the biggest cock I've ever seen"
The other man says "Oh I'm a santa clause & we all have big ones"
Tall man says "Wish I had 1 like that"
santa says "I'll grant ya that wish if ya let me bum ya 1st"
Man reluctantly agrees.
Santa pumps away for ages, then asks "How old are ya?"
Man says "36"
"Imagine that, 36 & still believes in santa"

Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on how to have a long and successful marriage? The Queen said wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!

Dirty Diego wrote:6ft 4in man in toilet looks to his left & sees a little man peeing out of a huge penis. He says "That's the biggest cock I've ever seen"
The other man says "Oh I'm a santa clause & we all have big ones"
Tall man says "Wish I had 1 like that"
santa says "I'll grant ya that wish if ya let me bum ya 1st"
Man reluctantly agrees.
Santa pumps away for ages, then asks "How old are ya?"
Man says "36"
"Imagine that, 36 & still believes in santa"

Dirty Diego wrote:Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on how to have a long and successful marriage? The Queen said wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!