QUIZ: ARE YOU A MUSLIM?

Nobby Cheese wrote:Are you a Muslim?

Answer all question honestly to see if you qualify as being one of Allah's chosen people.

1. Have you ever had a beard? If so, what kind of beard?
a) Just a goatee job as a kind of fashion statement.
b) The full face job, but tidily kept.
c) A great big fuck-off bastard full of owl's nests, bits of rice and old shoes that stink of rat's piss and shite.

2. How do you celebrate religious festivals?

a) A simple mass in church with a choir and lots of hymns.
b) You're not very religious really.
c) Starve yourself for three months, bomb an embassy in Africa, then round it all off by slitting a sheep's throat in the
gutter outside your house. You fucking bellend.

3. Is your daughter a virgin?

a) You wouldn't know because that's her business and doesn't concern you.
b) Probably not because she's had lots of boyfriends.
c) Dead fucking right she is. (I have different plans for her tenth birthday - it's some way off).

4. From you own experiences, describe a typical funeral you have attended.

a) Very simple and respectful. Lots of tears and mourning and a church service.
b) A good piss-up with the coffin there in the room. Kind of a wake, followed by a celebratory burial and a good send-off all round.
c) Banging yourself repeatedly about the head, you soft cunt, followed by the coffin being carried aloft through the street, the corpse being dragged from it shroud and all and bits of the body scattered among the sweaty fucking stinking throng.
d) Fight

5. You discover that you wife was not a virgin when you married. How do you react?

a) Take it calmly because it was before you met and had nothing to do with you.
b) Have a bit of a row because you think she should have told you.
c) Turn her into the authorities, branding her a vile whore, and watch as she is flogged in the market square for three days. Then beheaded.
d) Wife? Which? Who?

6. When you first took your future wife to your parents' house, what did you do?

a) Sat around nervously over a cup of tea and made tentative small-talk.
b) They got on like a house on fire straight away. There was no problem.
c) Dressed her all in black and sat her in a room full of fat ugly old crabs, then locked her in the cellar chained to a wall
until she agreed to marry you and never ever leave or else you would carve her into a million pieces.
d) See 5

7. Someone suggests you go and live in a country where your chosen religion is the law of the land. How do you react to this?

a) Go happily because it's your spiritual home and the place you would choose to live.
b) You'd be quite nervous about making such a big move, but go anyway to see what it's like.
c) Fuck that for a lark! You're staying where you are. There's no way some cunt with a funny hat is telling you what to wear, what you can say, what side of the street you can walk and what sort of woman you can shag. Bollocks. You're quite happy being somewhere fucking else.
d) Cannot answer. C sounds like Cameronia, though, and I'm stuck with it

8. What do you have on your feet right now?

a) Casual shoes.
b) Trainers.
c) Smelly fucking sandals full of fucking sand and other shite.
d) I'm barefoot, ladies - want a pic?

9. You and your wife end up getting divorced. How do you resolve the custody problem regarding your children?

a) Let the courts deal with it because they have their best interests at heart.
b) Talk it out between yourselves in a civilised manner.
c) Kidnap the bastards because that whore's not having them. No fucking way. Take them on the first plane to some sweaty Arab bolthole and keep them locked away. Either that or murder them and top yourself whilst on an access visit on a Sunday afternoon.
d) See 5

10. What is your favourite food?

a) Traditional food - steak and chips, that kind of thing.
b) Exotic cuisine from all parts of the world.
c) That cous-cous pile of wank with sheep's eyes and any old sloppy crap, shovelled into your slavering gob with your
fingers, you dirty bastard.

11. What luggage do you take with you when flying abroad?

a) Just the essentials...toothbrush, clothes, etc.
b) As much as you can cram into your cases because you never know what you might need.
c) A radio cassette player from Tandy's, hollowed out and filled with three pounds of semtex and a gallon of weedkiller.

12. You discover that your son has been going into the fridge and dipping his finger into the ice cream. How do you
discipline him?

a) You don't. All children do that, and what harm is there in it?
b) Have a talk with him and tell him he should have asked if he wanted some ice cream.
c) Chop the little bastard's hands off. The cunt had it coming and he won't fucking do it again.
d) Freezer for ice cream, fridge for cream

13. Would you describe your wife as attractive?

a) Yes, very.
b) Reasonably attractive.
c) Fuck knows. You've only ever seen her eyes through a slit in the black clothes you make her wear at all times. Even in the bath, you sick fuck.
d) See 5

14. How do you behave when in a foreign land?

a) Exactly the same as you do back home. Your morals travel with you, after all.
b) Adjust your behaviour accordingly, yet retain most of how you would behave in your own country.
c) Like a dog with two dicks. You shag anything that moves and enjoy all the trappings and trimmings of your new lifestyle, whilst at all times boring every cunt senseless with how fucking wonderful your own country is. You drink, get pissed, smoke fags, go to strip clubs and fucking stay there because you can't bear to go back home. And no fucking wonder, you two-faced knobend.

Can I just say that (c) appears to be Faliraki UK?

15. Next door's dog strays into your garden. What do you do?

a) Tell your neighbour and let him come and collect the dog.
b) Take the dog round to your neighbour's house yourself.
c) Slit the fucker's throat, drink its blood and slice it up for dinner. Should have stayed in its own garden, the vile hound
of Satan that it was.

16. How much do you weigh?

a) About average for your height.
b) Slightly more than you should.
c) Fuck all. You're a skinny little cunt. The heaviest thing about you is your fucking beard. If you had a wash you'd lose
three stone, you fucking dirty twat.

17. An author writes a book denigrating your chosen faith. What do you do about this?

a) Nothing. Freedom of speech is important and the diversity of belief systems is good for all mankind.
b) You are quite annoyed, though there's not much you can do.
c) Beat yourself about the head in the market square with a few thousand other knobends, firebomb W.H. Smith's and issue death threats against anyone who even utters the word "book" for the next ten years.
d) No faith, but shit, I'd kick 7 bells out of (a) as that could only be Harriet fucking Harman

18. You come from a poor Christian family in one of America's many black ghettoes. Along comes a stupid twat wearing a silly fucking hat with loads of followers, calling himself Malcolm Z or summat else fucking daft like that. He promises you lots of benefits, free stuff in exchange for you coming down to the mosque for a bit of a get-together. What do you do?

a) Ignore him and his followers. You're not impressed at all by such things.
b) Listen to what he was to say and make you mind up accordingly.
c) Denounce every fucking thing you've ever been taught, change your name from Joe Bloggs to Abdul Jaber Waller-waller Khan, take up basketball and pour all your earnings into the whole sick charade. And take up boxing and rape beauty queens in hotel rooms because basically, Muslim or not, you're still a cunt.
d) I'm a British northerner?

19. Describe your Messiah.

a) A gentle man who came from a poor background, he believed in love, peace and good will to all mankind.
b) You don't know because your Messiah hasn't come yet.
c) A queer-arsed bum-bandit fucking sand-kicking twat who shagged wild animals and decided he didn't like being a Christian because it wouldn't let him be the cunt he wanted to be.
d) She has boobs...

20. You become a famous pop star and song-writer, earning millions of pounds. How do you celebrate your wealth and good fortune?

a) Do the whole sex, drugs and rock n roll thing, living life to the full in an orgy of groupies, booze, mind-bending
substances and wild parties.
b) Buy a mansion in the country somewhere and build a recording studio.
c) Change your name to Youssouf Akhtar Wank, live in a mosque and occasionally spout pontificating rantings and vitriol
whilst preaching humility and poverty yet raking in the millions in profits that your records still make. You fucking
hypocritical scruffy piece of shit.
d) See 18

21. You daughter has decided she doesn't want to marry the man you approve of. What do you do about this?
a) Nothing. It's up to her.
b) Tell her you don't mind, yet secretly hopes she changes her mind.
c) Lock her in her bedroom until she agrees. And if she doesn't, drive her up to the Lake District, slit her throat and throw her into a river, telling everyone she's in fucking Pakistan.
d) See 3

22. What do you do to wile away the long boring hours on a train journey to work?

a) Read a book or a newspaper.
b) Play games on your Nintento DS or listen to music on your iPod.
c) Explode.
d) All of the above

23. What do your children learn at your chosen place of worship?

a) All about God and about right from wrong and how to behave.
b) They don't go to church because you'd rather teach them yourself.
c) How to look like a scruffy bastard, how to fly a plane, how to blow people up and that everyone in the Western world are a set of cunts.
d) The difference between an Exacta and a CSF

24. Your decide to treat your wife to a complete new wardrobe for her birthday. What do you go for?

a) Treat her to a trip to Next or some other High Street clothes shop.
b) Really push the boat out and do the whole designer thing - Stella McCartney, Versace, Gucci, the works.
c) A roll of bin bags from Asda.
d) Why would she want a wardrobe when she has no clothes to put in it? See 5

25. Driving through the countryside one day, you come across a stray sheep in the road. What do you do?

a) Ignore it. It will probably find its own way home.
b) Stop and try to catch it.
c) Sling it in the back of your van (full of your 24 cousins from Pakistan), bum it, slit its throat and eat the poor cunt.

ANSWERS

Mainly a: You're clearly not a Muslim at all.
Mainly b: Neither are you. You are far too reasonable to be one.
Mainly c: Nice one, Ayatollah! You're a Muslim alright, you fucking dirty sweaty twat. Quite happy to live off the backs of
decent people in a foreign land, whilst secretly plotting to blow the hapless bastards to Kingdom come one fine morning on a crowded train. Go on...fuck off back to your own country if you think it's so fucking great and worth fighting for. But you won't, will you? No, will you fuck. Because it's not a nice place, is it. You can't open a Spar/Subway/BP petrol station there and live in a fucking big house in Cheshire, can you? You fucking wankstain piece of lowlife twatbag shit.
Mainly d: This poll is somewhat flawed and as such should be disregarded. It will, however, appeal in the Daily Mail on Wednesday with a complimentary sachet of spit to hurl at the screen next time someone appears on Question Time who isn't a millionaire who expects you to clear his driveway of snow for free as he has yet to dodge the tax he should pay on shares he has bought and has to change them over to his wife's name, can you do next door's as well?