ARE YOU AN IMMIGRANT? Take our quiz...

1.  You intend to travel.  Do you
(a) Book a package holiday with a low cost Irish airline or one run by a Greek in a Spanish or Turkish hotel having been driven to the airport in a French car so that you can complain how they didn't have proper bacon or builder's tea.
(b) Go to France for a minibreak and hate it as everyone spoke French.
(c) Go to Wales and mock the signs, the locals and the customs because their alphabet doesn't have an X or a Z.
(d) Fly on a charter flight from a major city into an international airport but spend the next twenty years correcting people who assume you arrived with forty others in a fucking coracle or strapped to the chassis of a truck carrying Dutch market garden supplies

2.  You have a 56lb bag of potatoes and the means to grow more.  Do you
(a) Sell the potatoes, sell the means and then complain that some fucker wants to charge you to buy the potatoes you sold him because you've got none.
(b) Cut the potatoes, fry them in hot fat and sell them to drunks while tolerating their offensive attempts to mimic your actions and accent
(c) Feed your family potatoes to exclusion, grow more and do the same and if the crop fails either starve or swim to the nearest imperialistic power where you can grow potatoes
(d) Take the potatoes, grow some more and pick even more from other people (who can't be arsed)'s fields.  Take them back to your one bedroom flat and your thirty-five flatmates and ferment them into a hilarious spirit that will send you blind.

3.  A neighbour has a cracked pipe in his back yard.  Do you
(a) Recommend a friend of yours who'll replace it for the price of a bottle of scotch if you get the materials.  It mightn't be the best job in the world but the leak will stop for a good while
(b) Watch him try to repair it himself.  And fuck it up and have to send out at four times the cost as he'd have needed immediately
(c) Listen to his story about how he got a bloke in to do it, he came along, fucked off, said he'd be back on Monday, turned up for ten minutes, took £100 for materials, fucked off again saying he'd be back by 2pm and that was eight weeks ago.
(d) Note the workmanship and reasonable price it was done at by a quietly spoken bloke who said his name was Carol but I must have misheard who was in and out in forty minutes

4.  Does your name
(a) End in "son"
(b) Start with Tre, Pol or Pen
(c) Historically involve anvils, arrows, barrels or wheels
(d) Have a "k" in it; have an accent in it; have an umlaut in it; have any diacritical character whatsoever in it; end in a "v"; begin with Ole, Ohu, Onu or any other three letter combination of O-consonant-vowel; end in a vowel other than "e"; have an "h" in it that follows a "k" or an "ng" and that does fuck all; sound as if it might be black?

Mostly A - You're not an immigrant.  You might nip over to Thailand every couple of years to fuck a few of undetermined gender and age but it's only because it's wrong at home and Yewtree could go bigger
Mostly B - You could be an immigrant but either believe yourself to be otherwise or are an immigrant but no-one treats you like one because you're a "good" immigrant
Mostly C - You could be an immigrant but everyone accepts you as otherwise.  Fifty years back, you were treated like an immigrant and now you see the treatment coming around again, but to others, not you
Mostly D - Get back to wherever you came from, immigrant.  I don't care if that technically means Borehamwood, you'll never be one of us, and by that I mean "bigoted clueless cunt"

May supplement this with a "Take Our Test - COULD YOU WORK FOR THE BBC?"