i sometimes wonder if i might be autistic.....and on the couch with bert.

it's just my total inability to relate to people.
and how i see things.
i feel like an alien sometimes.

no,
i'm not looking for health problems.
or any sort of problems.

but i DO seem to inhabit my very own private little world.
and a mentality that very few people share.
well,
none,
to be exact.

i'm weird.
i think.

I don't think it's as uncommon as people think, Eric. There's a broad spectrum and we're all on it. It's just that the vast majority are at the origin on the graph.

I see parallels all the time but a pain in your toe isn't likely to be gangrene every time.

yes,
i know.
and who'd want to think they had gangrene?
but there ARE parallels as you say.

i neither like,
nor do i need it.

but what little i know of my natural father,
my mother always said he was a troubled man,
doesn't say any more than that,
a great aunt went totally off her trolley.

but where do you start?
and where might it all end?

what i need from life,
i can't have.
my needs are unreasonable,
irrationall,
and well,
in a modern world,
just not possible.

i just don't want any of,
my lot.

i really,
just cannot be bothered with it all.

and on the subject of,
meeting somebody else,
try to explain that.

they'd be off like a shot.
not that i'm sure of wanting anybody getting that close to me.

and that's another issue.

it goes on,

and on,

and on.

maybe i really am,
an alien.
it seems that way sometimes.

truthfully,
over the years,
i've come to believe that i'm a paranoid scizophrenic.
i most definitely have an alter-ego.
there's two of us alright.

so often,
i'll start a day feeling so enthusiastic about something.
and by the end of the day,
the twin has slowly eaten away at my enthusiasm,
with sense and reason.
and as madam robinson used to say,
i am left with nothing.

so,
there is no expectation,
no ambition.
and hope is just an aspiration.

and if you are able to comprehend what i am saying,
i mean really,
have the faintest idea of where i'm at,

then you have to ask,
like me,
what IS the point?

i don't want to be some egghead's little experiment.
a case study.
you can shove all that.

i am so full of concerns,
fears,phobias,and what-ifs right now.
you would not believe.
all absurd of course.
i know that.
but try telling the other me.
and actually,
having said that,
i think we have slowly swapped places mid-thread.

i could quite easily contradict all that i have said right now.


onwards and downwards eh?
or "sideways" perhaps.

into the abyss.

ha!ha!

nah,
i don't so.

actually,
my egos,
are quite enjoying exploring this right now.

no chance of feeling down.

until one of us loses the arguement.

but then,
this isn't really an arguement.

a comparing of notes maybe.

me,
and me,
just having a chat.
and it's all....
well,
it's not bad.

it's,
easy.

Schizophrenia very rarely manifests as just the two, I'm led to believe. It may be that you might be more akin to bipolar disorder, Eric, especially in light of your explanation.

maybe.

but my condition,
assuming that i have one of course.
is why i shall probably never top myself.

because of my inner conflicts,
i'm a compulsive ditherer.

to decide anything,
with conviction,
absolutey,
totally,
then act upon that decision,
is just totally beyond me.

it would HAVE to be a spur of the moment thing.
and since my chosen method involves terminal velocity,
was i ever to find myself,
on the roof of a tall building,
or on the edge of a very high cliff,
etc.
it isn't going to happen.

i'm here for the duration,
i shall serve out my sentence.

i shall probably out live the fuckin lot of you.