Food obsessions

I am a one for this.  Not eating the same thing over and over again, like Larry Parnes before he died, living on Boil In The Bag Cod In Butter Sauce, but...

Boil In The Bag Cod In Butter Sauce would be an example.  Like Proust talks about in "A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu", he bites into a madeleine and his entire childhood came flooding back in that one bite.  You see something similar in the animated film Ratatouille with the food critic.  There are some foods that are outright atavistic, they drag you back as soon as you go for them.  The reason Scouse survives in Liverpool is because in a prior generation you were poor and cold and Scouse stopped it.  That's not just nutrition, that's conditioning too.

Anyway, for me, I spent in a similar vein years seeing if anyone still made "Dundee" biscuits (note:  Not Dundee Biscuits - I could make them myself).  "Dundee" biscuits as a kid were the size of a cartwheel, covered in a corrugation of chocolate on one side and had a raised milled edge on the other.  Dead centre was the word DUNDEE, the letters getting bigger towards the centre and back down again so the word was faintly like a rugby ball.  They were firm with just enough crumble and had a waft of coconut in the taste.  They came in a clear cellophane pack of six in a cardboard tray, the cellophane having a blue printed logo and details on it.  My nan had them as a staple.  She also made floury scones that were just on the edge of crumbling but held together and were a perfect foil for the butter she ket unerringly in a butter dish.  You see where the Dundee has its atavistic attraction.

Yeah, the firm who made them went bust and no-one has revived them... yet.

With that in mind, though, I still find things that if I have the taste for them, and they are rare, I'll go on the hint again.  With that in mind, I can no longer get Sun Valley Jalapeno Pretzel pieces.  The one shop that stocked them have run dry.  Despite the factory being a half hour drive and four second phone call away, that's cheating.  Web purchase is too.  They may be the way forward, but the organic "find" is half of the taste, IMO.

SO...  I was in St Helens at a giant Tesco in the Christmas aisle and what should I see but two, yes, two, flavours of Snyder's pretzel pieces**.  Snyder's are the living embodiment of the fact that no matter how much a nation of cunts you might be, the law of random distribution states that there must be some good to offset the worst evil.  Snyder's illustrate that the Yanks can do something right.  I actually rationed myself their salt and pepper pretzels a year or two back when I knew the well was dry...

The two flavours?  Buffalo wings (which frankly, I love) and yes, Jalapeno.  There was no price tag on the shelf.  I took two seconds to think "I don't fucking care" and picked out two bags of each.  Turns out they were a pound, a bargain for a 125g bag.  And they've got months on them too...

I have a bunged up nose at the minute and will eat hottish foods to clear my head so these are ideal on that score too, even medicinal...  So Friday, I took to opening a bag of buffalo wings flavour with the intention of eating a few bits for pills and head reasons.  I ate three quarters of the bag, they are fucking monumental.

That also meant that come morning, my stocks were depleted by a quarter...  Yesterday I went to an equally big Tesco (Prescot) and drew a blank.  It's four miles to St Helens from there.  Cue drive there (with the shavers) and a purchase of ten packs (7BW, 3 J) where I emptied the shelf of buffalo wings and left a few jalapeno.  I opened a pack of jalapeno last night.  A taste of peppery heat, savoury biscuit and success, they were superb.

I'm counting this as a big win.

**I also found Patum Peperium.  Two jars of that as well, half of one of which is now dead.  That is in Prescot too, though.

Bert, this is priceless.....ever thought of writing a daily blog?
It would be a sensation.

There are some things that are a hobby horse of mine, Tone. This is one of them. It's like chips after the match or the tea bar in it (the former is one for the turn of the 20th century terraced pissholes of England that have an end named after a hill in South Africa because of the timing of the build and how we love a beating, the latter is for the lesser lights, the WPL, say, staffed by friendly women and doing hotdogs, burgers, crisp chips and fingers crossed, light curry sauce and jumping weather beverages).

The decline in bakeries except in places where they have too many and they can't be profitable, surely?, where have all the sparrows gone (and linked, why don't you find any discarded hedgerow porn any more), why you can't buy fish when you can see the sea from your fucking window and bats having the worst press agent in the world while bears have the best. All hobby horses of mine.

I do have a blog, Tone, but I rarely use it. My next post due is an update on Chigley, which will soon be 48 years on, but would be the third post after two entitled "Forty-Six Years On"...

If they'd been around in biblical times, I'm pretty confident that the vendor's stands at the crucifixion would have had Toblerones on them.

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love Toblerone - the dark version is how a wank would look if you could cast it in chocolate, IMO.  Triangular and full of knobbly bits.  Um...  Anyway...

Did the Swiss, before they decided to sit on that fence and never fucking come down, have the most potent army in the world who secured concessions on every port, carrier and border posts to carry their almondy treats forever?  It's fucking uncanny.  The highest airport in the world that goes truly international is El Alto in Bolivia.  I would bet a pound to a penny that they have two dead certs in the airport - frequently delivered Toblerones to ensure constant availability for sale, and a member of staff who wear enough hairspray to create Bolivia's own hole in the ozone, is the wrong side of 50, wears a cravat and fell into a perfume bath this morning.  Named Margarita.  Officious cunt, won't sell you a Toblerone without a boarding pass.

I've never wondered about it but I'm now intrigued as to whether they might be a cure for motion sickness.  Think about it, every fucking airport, every port, on the plane, on the boat, the Swiss won't leave their borders for a fight, they're a peace-seeking nation, do Toblerones in fact stop you hurling?

Incidentally, if the standard one is a wank, Toblerone minis are like a quick shuffle of your jewels on the bus, "checking for lumps" as it were.  Not like this bloke (great headline, though) - http://www.bedfordshire-news.co.uk/News/Man-74-shampoos-genitals-on-Bedford-bus-after-having-issues-with-his-briefs-20130903121453.htm.  And the comedy size Christmas ones are like a threeway with the girl on these boards dressed as a superhero that Tony has saved separately on his hard drive and Serena Williams.

There's a separate pointless fact about Toblerones but it's not sexually charged enough for this thread.

  

Snyder's pretzels were remaindered in Prescot, a pound a bag.  There were 22 bags left.

There were two when I was done.  Should get me to at least the Cup Final.

Last week it was Cheese Hamwiches.  These were lurid pink turkey bits topped with processed cheese, wrapped in breadcrumbs and sold out of freezer by a B Matthews of Norfolk in the 70s.  They exist again now.  The retro nature of this thread being the guide, I had to buy them.  £1.50 for 8 in Iceland, which frankly is a shop I don't use much but there's one at a bus stop on the way home so I went there as I wanted some lazy chips.

Didn't have them the first night, nor the second, but on the third, in I went.  Oh my fucking Christ.  You know when Lisa Simpson eats the curry and says "I can see through time"?  It was like that or like the Proust moment as shown in the first post.  They are fucking identical to the originals.  I bit in and I was a nine year old boy again, summer was always sunny and forty weeks long, we were in the flats (council) with a fridge with an ice compartment and the country wasn't on its knees and blaming each other because of cunts in Westminster.  I swear I saw a Viennetta materialise before my eyes...

I don't fucking care if they come off the bits of a turkey even the turkey wouldn't suck, I could have wept.

When i see toblerones mostly in pound shops I imagine my face looks like this  , impressed anyone could have so much to say on the subject   

Airport Toblerones are different to shop Toblerones, Jonesy - it's the experience you're buying as well. It's like the chippy next to the ground. Six days a week, it's an ordinary chippy but match day, it's a wardrobe with a lamp post in it and service from a friendly faun. You know yourself, Jonesy - if you're serving chips in a carton, have a fucking long look at yourself, there might be forty-somethings who are dismayed at your work.

I like paper bags ,we do have polystyrene cartons ,hate those as I have a feeling long after I'm dead they will still be kicking around, BTW I left the chippy in September to go and work at aldi I left there last month ,I hated it ,start a new job tomorrow caring for people who needs meals prepared ,light housekeeping ,stuff like that

Will you be wearing a tabard?   

Mum was a home help, probably the job she valued the most that she did over time.

Lol,no its non uniform so you look like a friend ,yes I'm hoping I will like it but I'm not sure

An update on the Snyder's

Prescot have a USA shelf.  They have Buffalo Wings   Jalapeno   Honey and Mustard   (but with a beer  )  and Cheddar Cheese    (OK but what the fuck do Americans know about cheese and an iconic British cheese at that?).  I'm quite pleased at this turn of events.

Meanwhile, read the comments... http://www.seriouseats.com/2013/09/we-try-every-flavor-of-snyders-flavored-pretzel-pieces-review.html

I might buy some Ulster Fry from the butcher's tomorrow... 

Grape nuts ,forgot about them for years as iv not ate cereal for years ,spied a box in morrisons last week ,ate them all in two days

Gotta go back, Jonesy - what if they discontinue? The market place is uncommonly fickle.

Pretzel run impending...

NotBert wrote:Gotta go back, Jonesy - what if they discontinue?  The market place is uncommonly fickle.

Pretzel run impending...

yes the show was very small only half a dozen boxes ,they ain't golden nuggets ,thank fuck

NotBert wrote:Gotta go back, Jonesy - what if they discontinue?  The market place is uncommonly fickle.

Pretzel run impending...

believe it or not bert ive never sampled a Pretzel   

It's not pretzels, BOAT. They're ten a penny. Snyder's pieces, though, different ball game.

I shared a flat in Spain with a bloke from the states who once said "Beer - good. Pretzels - good. Beer and pretzels together, though, are greater than the sum of their parts". He's right. I paraphrased a bit there - he was a septic after all...

NotBert wrote:It's not pretzels, BOAT.  They're ten a penny.  Snyder's pieces, though, different ball game.

I shared a flat in Spain with a bloke from the states who once said "Beer - good.  Pretzels - good.  Beer and pretzels together, though, are greater than the sum of their parts".  He's right.  I paraphrased a bit there - he was a septic after all...

so i'm on the look out for some of these and a nice brew?

i'll get back to you when ive sourced some    BTW i usually like a bit of Bombay mix with a pint very moreish   

Tesco do a chilli oat cracker near the deli counter (two packs for £2) that go with mature Cheddar something fierce. Again, proper beer with it, may actually be having one in a minute.

For my sore knee, you understand...

Tesco little shops (that are outnumbering Starbucks now) are taking on a US selection. Snyder's all but on my doorstep   

Chip shop curry belongs on this thread. The baked bean of adulthood, always find it amusing that you can get it in McDonald's as a dip where it is called "sweet curry" rather than "our fucking competitor's, stop calling it by that name, fuck ooooooofffffff... curry".

Curry, rice and chips from the chippy is known to cure boils, prevent rainfall (hence the fish and chip economy of seaside towns) and soothe angry dogs. It is frequently eaten at the end of a fucking shit day at work and saves you looking for a small bloke to punch.

Chilli at the minute.  I went to Costco a week ago - Tone, you would not believe the reason why, it involved treachery that burns my soul to a certain degree but in my defence, it was for the kids - and Costco's menu is always a dilemma for me.

They have fresh throughout the day
- three or four different types of pizza.  They are fucking huge slices and go for under £2.  A full (IIRC) 22" pizza goes for £8 (six slices)
- a chicken bake, which is a flatbread rolled, dusted with cheese and filled with chicken, bacon and garlicky, cheesy sauce.  Getting on for three quid, it's a meal in itself
- a footlong all-beef hotdog with onions which comes with a drink and free refill for £1.50
- a turkey and provolone ciabatta sandwich, again, big, a Hogarth painting in a sandwich, all the world in it, getting on for three quid
- a cottage pie, again, getting on for three quid and must come out at a pint or so in volume, I reckon a bit over
- jacket potatoes the size of Humpty Dumpty, choice of filling, £1.50

The dilemma is which to order.

Well, that was resolved for me this time out.  Kids went for pizza and cottage pie respectively, so I decided on the dog.  While in the queue, they'd added a wrinkle - chilli cheese dog, a pound more.  So I had to have a go.  Chilli, good, cheese, good, onions, good, dog, good, proper bun, good, what was not to like?  It was like David Carradine finding enlightenment in the Shao Lin temple before he decided to Hutchence himself for the sake of a wank.  In fact, it was a bit like an episode of Kung Fu in that he'd spend 25 minutes saying "no, no, I will not fight you" and then go "fuck it" in the last five minutes and kick the shit out of everyone.  Then he'd go to another town in time to do the same next week.  Maybe the 25 minutes delayed gratification was what led him to his Bangkok Necktie in later life, we will never know, but as soon as there was chilli in the offing, there was only one winner.

I played with my own version of a footlong later and gave myself an non-chilli-based glow as I relived the experience naked in the privacy of a cupboard with a cloth bag* over my head...

*Please note the author is not an adherent of autoerotic asphyxiation given he's normally spent before he has the chance to get a bag on his head.  So please don't choke yourself to get off.  You can never hear your own codeword, for one.

Astounded to find out that when Costco introduced the "dog and endless soda" in 1985, they charged £1.50.

In 2016, they charge... £1.50.

Chip shop curry is a dip in McDonald's, except it is called "sweet curry" because it isn't going to tell you that the dip they have is available in one of their arch competitors.

I had a fish you'd kill for in New Brighton this week.