Euro 2016

England, Switzerland, Slovenia, Estonia, Lithuania, San Marino
1. Flat track bullies
2. Underachievers who shit themselves in the World Cup and are the only side ever to be knocked out of anything without conceding a goal, the melts
3. Tiny country who alternate between shitting it and flattening a whale.  No whale in this group...
4. One third of a whole country.  Once drew with Scotland by not turning up.
5. Another third of the same country.  Suicide capital of the world, draw a lot of games 1-1, have a recent loss to Luxembourg
6. Italian Postmen

Wales, Bosnia-Hercegovina, Belgium, Israel, Cyprus, Andorra.
1. Usually a world class individual surrounded by 10 Geraint Williamses
2. Will not know what the fuck is going on as not paired with already-qualified hosts France.  Israel are there to offset this
3. Likely winners, given a group that looks like Nigel Benn's next five fights when he was knocking over "Mexican roadsweepers" (his words)
4. Penpals and house guests of Bosnia-Hercegovina.  Like to draw 0-0 a lot
5. Erratic package of Europe.  Will lose pluckily or put the fear of God up you.  And draw pluckily.
6. Spanish milkmen.

Scotland, Republic of Ireland, Germany, Poland, Georgia, Gibraltar.
1. Perennially fucked by a stiff group.  Hey, it's happened again!
2. Shitkickers who draw a lot, win a few, do well in qualifying and fucking stink at tournaments.  Hate the French.  Could be England
3. We don't lose in qualifying.  Accept it and move on.  70 years ago we were at war with all five of you.  Oh, you're not that Ireland?  Come in, have a drink and a sausage...
4. What do you mean, England aren't in our group?  Good eleven.  We only have eleven, though, so tire easily.
5. We beat Italy you know?  OK, we'll take fifth.
6. Unbeaten in our entire history of one game, looking forward to embarrassing 1, 4 and 5

Northern Ireland, Greece, Hungary, Romania, Finland, Faroe Islands.
1. Coupon busting shit, can beat Russia, can lose to Luxembourg, latter more common than the former.
2. Fuck knows what we'll do this time.  We qualify, we don't, we stink when we do and we won it once.  Don't try and second guess us, we're worse than 1.  Us against them could end up 12-12
3. Unlike 1 and 2, we've been consistently shit for years
4. We'll probably win this group by stringing together more than one result.  Dour.  Wear yellow.
5. Fucking hell, we might finally qualify!  Middling side, drawn in twattish groups, this one gives us a shout.
6. Danish shepherds.

  

Fucking brilliant!
Is this your work Bert?

Every one an original with me Tone, as you know. You can claim an assist, though - were it not for your Twitter noting the draw, I'd never have looked it up.   

You know it's me whenever "Italian postmen" get a mention. I seem to recall San Marino once had three postmen playing for them, which for a country of 32,000, is fucking nuts. I've obsessed on it ever since.

Bit miffed as I thought the "What happened to... Mike and Bernie Winters" was better crafted too...  

NotBert wrote:Northern Ireland, Greece, Hungary, Romania, Finland, Faroe Islands.
1. Coupon busting shit, can beat Russia, can lose to Luxembourg, latter more common than the former.
2. Fuck knows what we'll do this time.  We qualify, we don't, we stink when we do and we won it once.  Don't try and second guess us, we're worse than 1.  Us against them could end up 12-12
3. Unlike 1 and 2, we've been consistently shit for years
4. We'll probably win this group by stringing together more than one result.  Dour.  Wear yellow.
5. Fucking hell, we might finally qualify!  Middling side, drawn in twattish groups, this one gives us a shout.
6. Danish shepherds.

So Greece lose home and away to a team whose name means "the sheep islands islands".

In Greece they are now known as "the Fucking Faroes"...

Useless fucking bubbles.

Backed Finland in Greece this week. Wish I'd done the Duch group as well now (beaten home and away by a volcano)

Amended excerpt of England's goalscoring chart

1 - David Nugent
1 - Ross Barkley
1 - Cristian Brolli
1 - James Milner
0 - Michael Carrick
0 - Jordan Henderson

Wait, that can't be right... No, it is. Milner scored in Moldova a couple of years ago

A mention due for Albania who managed to qualify for their first ever final stage tournament by turning a 3-0 defeat into a 0-3 victory by telling UEFA they're wrong and winning in a proper arbitration court.

Albania's solicitor general has been allocated squad number 17.

Fuck that, Wales jersey for me on Thursday. I'm not associating with those cunts

Wales will win 3-1

As the groups were drawn, and the narrative so far

FRANCE - "We won this a couple of times, we're at home, we're not particularly shit and we have the second-best national anthem in the tournament.  We might actually do it, even when we play shit"
ROMANIA - Has won one game in three million at the finals in their history.  Dour shit.  Could have drawn all three because, well, they are that sort of shit.  Round robins with the Republic of Ireland, Israel and Lithuania are sold to Dignitas to see off assisted suicides.  Win was against England, so doesn't really count.
SWITZERLAND - It's like watching your bank interest grow.  On Ceefax.  Went out having conceded fuck all and scored less because that's the Swiss FA's gameplan, officially rated joint top on the "realistically, we're shit" table with England's "QF is a result" mandate
ALBANIA - Surprisingly tight unit whose presence at Euro2016 was down to a talented solicitor turning around a no-result result in arbitration courts.  Knocked out, it turns out, in the first five minutes when the 'keeper clearly had had too much sugar before kickoff and came out for one he shouldn't that gave the Swiss a win.  Beat Romania, rather than losing 3-2 after Phil Neville tried to con the ref into giving a corner for an upend.

ENGLAND - What a shower of shit.  Would have finished last in the national anthem stakes, it being a slow, monotone paean to a non-existent being to save an unelected pensioner.  Won against Slovakia.  No, won against Wales, drew against Slovakia.  Drew against Russia.  No-one can remember, it was that shit.  Lost in knockout to a volcano.  Won all ten in qualifying, won one from four here with a 93rd minute goal.  Yay.
RUSSIA - A side with a great tradition at the Euros which this team decided was not something it wanted to continue.  So slow that they left the pitch after one game in complete darkness as the caretaker had locked up after seeing everybody out.  Drew with England
SLOVAKIA - Made it out of the group by beating Russia and letting England have the ball for 90 minutes.  Had Martin Skrtel in the side whose similarity in looks to Ed Gein didn't end there.  Became progressively violent and stated that if they made the last eight he would eat an opponent with some fava beans and a nice chianti.  Germany did us all a favour there
WALES - I am pregnant with Wales's baby.  What a show of joy, passion, skill, and that's just the national anthem (1st).  I watch my football in its semi-professional environment and it couldn't happen to a nicer people.  Chris Coleman has to be the second best appointment in Welsh history after the introduction of Hen Wlad Fy Ndahau in place of God Save The Queen.  Fans are magic.  Except for Bangor.

GERMANY - The tournament almost packed its bags and went home after a half an hour of the first game against Ukraine when it looked like they could score more often than a Premier League footballer in an eyebrow-nail-and-tanning salon.  So cocksure they even let Ozil take penalties.
POLAND - Odd side, did everything expected of them but didn't convince, lost on penalties to the sound of a million Lewandowski - Top Scorer slips being shredded
UKRAINE - "They arrived on time, their kit was spotless and their boots were sparkling."  First team to be knocked out, they were lucky to last that long.  Didn't score, went home with a Bendy Bully and a set of darts.
NORTHERN IRELAND - "How do you tell the Irish sides apart?"  "Well one is managed by O'Neill and the other... oh.  Well, by M O'Neill... oh.  Well this one won't draw 1-1"  "Ah, the coupon busters..." "Yes!"

SPAIN - Sat astride the globe as world and European champions, retaining the Euros four years later.  Then the world found out about the drugs, the athletics team declined, Nadal was "injured" in the world of tennis and the football team were suddenly slipping.  Funny that.  Came up aganst Italy after fucking up by not ensuring they won their group.  You know how Italy work (see below)
CROATIA - Won the group, sorted themselves a nice easy tie in the knockouts and then managed to fuck it all up and get knocked out by a side who only got to the tie because of an Icelandic goal somewhere else in the 93rd minute.  Brian Rix's trousers fall off at this point.
TURKEY - Missed out on qualification for knockout by conceding three in the first half oin Spain when it could have been twenty-five.  Pretty fucking dire, will be remembered for being unmemorable shit...
CZECH REPUBLIC - ...but not as unmemorable or as shit as the Czechs.  Scored twice in the last half hour against Croatia when 0-2 down to draw, but everyone had switched over to Pointless on BBC2 at that point so no-one saw it.  Didn't score again.

BELGIUM - A team of stars who individually are setting European football alight while collectively are all still standing outside the ground trying to get back in after being comprehensively skinned by a now clubless ex-Reading striker whose Welsh grandmother used to visit him in Acton.  Cymru am byth.
ITALY - The anti-England.  Struggle against eleven dustbins but put them up against a crack commando squad and they walk out in a light sweat with eleven full body bags.  Italian clubs lost two European Cups to Liverpool on penalties because in techincal terms they take them "like cunts".
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND - Were winning 1-0 against Sweden and Sweden never looked like scoring so they put one through their own fucking net as it had to end 1-1.  Scored late against Italy's second string to win because it was too late to contrive a concession.  Went out to France who equalised and then scored agains two minutes later before the Irish could read their "If France equalise" playbook.  The page simply says "Accept 1-1"
SWEDEN - One of those sides who turn up, stink like fuck or finish fourth.  You can smell them from here.  Won a point when their only goal was scored by celebrated Swede, Harrow-born lad to Irish parents Ciaran Clark.


PORTUGAL - Bet you didn't know Cristiano Ronaldo was Portuguese?  Played five, drew five.  Won one in the 27th minute of extra time and another on penalties, their games have been likened to a fart going off.  Play Wales next.  Got to hope for some Welsh justice.
AUSTRIA - Have been shit for years but then qualified inordinately strongly only to lose to Hungary, be shit against Portugal and then get off the mark against Iceland.  And lose again.  They could be England.  Produced one of the great grandfather gags when you said "Who do you fancy in the Austria Hungary game?" and he replied "Who are they playing".  They love that gag at the day centre.
HUNGARY - Have been shit for years and lost their last game (R10) in qualifying group to dire Greece (P9, W0) after making certain of a playoff place by coming from behind to beat the fucking mighty Faroes in round 9.  Were unbeaten in eight and scored seven goals in those eight games, the dull shits.  Somehow stuck it to Norway home and away to qualify and then beat Austria on the way to winning the group with two more draws.  Then reality kicked in and Belgium twatted them 4-0
ICELAND - If you're born an Icelander, there is a 2000/1 chance you'll play for the national football team.  Not sure if that's an aspiration for the women.  In their first game, one-twelfth of the nation was in the stadium.  Managed to come out of the group unbeaten in second to face mighty England.  And beat them too.  A Wales-Iceland final would be like David taking the field against the Philistines armed only with a slingshot, only to see a slightly smaller bloke also named David appear armed with what appears to be a peashooter.  Play the hosts tomorrow.  Should lose but I have a top scorer curse to lift on Griezmann so don't hold your breath.