Re: Official Juice Jokes Thread

[bitofatwat]

[bitofatwat]

[Guest]

[bitofatwat]

[Guest]

A woman was eyeing up a black man in a club all night. After lots of chatting and flirting, they left together.
Pulling him against a wall outside, grabbing his crotch and breathing heavily she whispered "come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men"
So he stabbed her and ran off with her handbag!

[bitofatwat]

A woman was eyeing up a black man in a club all night. After lots of chatting and flirting, they left together.
Pulling him against a wall outside, grabbing his crotch and breathing heavily she whispered "come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men"
So he stabbed her and ran off with her handbag!

[Guest]

Two blondes in a travel-agents. One blonde says, "Which is further, the moon or Florida?" The 2nd blonde replies.
"Er hellooo - can you fuckin see Florida?

[bitofatwat]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[bitofatwat]

I've been married to my wife, Lorraine for the last 8 years, things have got bit boring to be honest, about six months ago I started having an affair with a student temp in our office, really fit part-chinese bird, Claire Lee, sex was terrific, anyway to cut a long story short, someone at the office bubbled me to my missus, massive argument and she's gone home to her mother, the only good thing to come out of it is . . . I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

[bitofatwat]

A man walks into a pet shop and sees an advert for a talking centipede, only £5000. He buys it, puts it in a box and goes home.
After a while he looks at the box where the centipede is and says "fancy a pint then?"...the centipede ignores him. He says it again only a little louder, again the centipede doesn't respond.
Getting angry at the prospect of being conned, the man shouts the same question at the box. The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says "give me a fucking minute I'm putting my shoes on"

[bitofatwat]

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of manure.
The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me, but is this stool taken?"

[bitofatwat]

Walked past a restaurant last night and on the window it said - 'Order anything you want, if we don't have it, we'll pay you £500'.

Went in and ordered 'Giraffes kneecaps on toast'.

A short while later, the waiter returned with a cheque for £500 in my name and said "It's your lucky day, we're out of bread"

[Guest]

I've been married to my wife, Lorraine for the last 8 years, things have got bit boring to be honest, about six months ago I started having an affair with a student temp in our office, really fit part-chinese bird, Claire Lee, sex was terrific, anyway to cut a long story short, someone at the office bubbled me to my missus, massive argument and she's gone home to her mother, the only good thing to come out of it is . . . I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

[Guest]

A priest is very fond of his Chickens. One day his rooster goes missing so the next day at mass he asks 'everyone to stand up if they have a cock', all the men stood up. "no" he said, 'stand up if you seen a cock', all the women stood up. Then he said ' Stand up if you seen a cock that doesn't belong to you', half the women stood up. 'No No No' he said 'Stand up if you seen my cock' all the choir boys stood up

[Guest]

R.i.p. Ray alan. The old ventriloquist died aged 79 last night. Unfortunately lord charles was unable to comment!!

[Guest]

My girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes.I told her that it wasn't true as she looks like a fat cunt in a skirt as well!!

[Guest]

Have you ever noticed it's only 'perfect' people that are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He/She was the perfect son/daughter", ."Such a tragic accident, they were the perfect family", "They died together, the perfect couple till the end". Bet ur glad ur a twat. Kind of makes u immortal!

[bitofatwat]

Have you ever noticed it's only 'perfect' people that are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He/She was the perfect son/daughter", ."Such a tragic accident, they were the perfect family", "They died together, the perfect couple till the end". Bet ur glad ur a twat. Kind of makes u immortal!

Thank you DD

[bitofatwat]

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital "How are you grandpa?" He asks "Feeling fine" says the old man What's the food like? "Terrific, wonderful menus" "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you" "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

[Guest]

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick-knife My cock A pig with a flick-knife My cock

I think we should have a poll...

[bitofatwat]

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick-knife My cock A pig with a flick-knife My cock

I think we should have a poll...

[Guest]

Anyone fancy a few beers in Shipley tonight?

I hear there's some fanny floating about...

[Guest]

If you take a white girls virginity they say you pop-her-cherry, going on that theory then if you take a paki girls virginity do you pop-her-dom.

[Guest]

What have Theo Walcott and Mr T got in common?

They're both black, and they ain't gettin on no plane!

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