Re: Official Juice Jokes Thread

[Guest]

Bob had gone to work and was 15 miles away when he realised he had not picked up his house keys, so he decided to try and phone the house while he was driving along and ask his wife to be in when he got home instead of going out shopping.

A little girl answered the phone.

Bob said ' Hello princess, is mummy there?'

She said ' Mummy's upstairs in the bedroom with the milkman.'

Bob said 'Is she ? Could you go upstairs and tell mummy that daddy is coming home, and then come back downstairs and let me know what she said.'

' Okay' she said.

A few minutes later she was back on the phone.

' What happened when you told mummy ?' asked Bob.

She said ' Mummy started screaming and the milkman grabbed his clothes and jumped out of the bedroom window'

'He's gone then ? ' said Bob

' No; he's not gone' the girl said ' he fell off the balcony, banged his head, and landed in the swimming pool, and mummy thinks he's dead '

Bob said ' Swiming pool ? Oh shit!! Is that 555 -4127 '

[bitofatwat]

I was in a club the other night when I saw this fat fucking bitch standing by herself. I went over to the bar, bought 2 beers, walked over to her and handed her one, saying 'Happy birthday'.
She looked at me funny and said, "It's not my birthday."
I looked her up and down and whispered in her ear, "Then stop eating cake, you fat cunt."



What's the different between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's an Australian marsupial the other is a geordie stuck in a lift


A new Volcanic Ash has swept through the heart of Barnsley ...

It's been named as Kill a man for his giro

[bitofatwat]

Bev was doing the decorating the other day with a leather jacket on and a parker, i said what you wearing them for

she replied: it said put two coats on

[bitofatwat]

What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic Volcano?

The volcano is still blowing Ash.....

[bitofatwat]

The Mother Superior gathers all the nuns together to make an announcement.
She says "We now have a case of Chlamydia in the Convent!"
An older nun at the back shouts "Well I hope it's better than that fucking Chardonnay we had last week!"

[bitofatwat]

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'

[Guest]

[Guest]

I was driving down a country road early this morning which had bushes either side, i was doing about 60mph when a blackman ran out from behind a bush and i hit him killing him. I reported it to the police but they said not to worry as it was only a hedge wog.

[Guest]

You can tell how old this is by the fact pubs allowed smoking.

I was in a pub when a young bloke, a stranger in the pub, came up to me and asked ' Have you got a light, please mate ?'

I said ' No '

He said ' But you're smoking a cigar'

I said ' I know, but you're not getting a light '

'Why not ' he asked

I sais ' Simple...Listen.. if I give you a light you might want to buy me a beer. And then I'll have to buy you a beer. And as you don't know anybody in here, you'll sit and drink with me. Before long we'll be drunk and arrange another night for a piss up. After a few weeks of drinking together I'll take pity on you as it's obvious you're not married and I'll take you hime to meet my wife and she'll cook you a lovely dinner. After dinner you'll fall asleep on the sofa and miss the last bus, and I'll be too drunk to drive, so we'll let you stay in the spare bedroom. But then you'd have to meet my gorgeous 19 year old daughter, who's easily led by a young bloke like you. You'll chat her up and within two weeks you'll be sleeping together. Next thing you know she'll be pregnant and you'll fuck off.'

He said to me ' I won't fuck off and leave her, honest'

I said ' I know you won't you cunt, because you ain't getting a light, now piss off'

[Admin]

You can tell how old this is by the fact pubs allowed smoking.

I was in a pub when a young bloke, a stranger in the pub, came up to me and asked ' Have you got a light, please mate ?'

I said ' No '

He said ' But you're smoking a cigar'

I said ' I know, but you're not getting a light '

'Why not ' he asked

I sais ' Simple...Listen.. if I give you a light you might want to buy me a beer. And then I'll have to buy you a beer. And as you don't know anybody in here, you'll sit and drink with me. Before long we'll be drunk and arrange another night for a piss up. After a few weeks of drinking together I'll take pity on you as it's obvious you're not married and I'll take you hime to meet my wife and she'll cook you a lovely dinner. After dinner you'll fall asleep on the sofa and miss the last bus, and I'll be too drunk to drive, so we'll let you stay in the spare bedroom. But then you'd have to meet my gorgeous 19 year old daughter, who's easily led by a young bloke like you. You'll chat her up and within two weeks you'll be sleeping together. Next thing you know she'll be pregnant and you'll fuck off.'

He said to me ' I won't fuck off and leave her, honest'

I said ' I know you won't you cunt, because you ain't getting a light, now piss off'

[Guest]

Fucking time that took to type I want at least 6 lols.

[bitofatwat]

A priest is very fond of his Chickens. One day his rooster goes missing so the next day at mass he asks 'everyone to stand up if they have a cock', all the men stood up. "no" he said, 'stand up if you seen a cock', all the women stood up. Then he said ' Stand up if you seen a cock that doesn't belong to you', half the women stood up. 'No No No' he said 'Stand up if you seen my cock' all the choir boys stood up

[bitofatwat]

Guy gets put in prison & his new cellmate says " this your first time in prison?", he replies "yes, it is", Cellmate says "we're playing Mommies & Daddies tonight, I'll wake you when it's playtime".

10 o'clock comes & it's bedtime, the poor guy is not looking forward to this & can't sleep. 11 o'clock comes & still nothing, 12 & 1 o'clock pass & he thinks to himself "he's probably fell asleep & forgot" & the guy falls asleep at 1:30ish.

A short whilst later & there's a tap on his shoulder, "Are you awake? It's time to play. Seeing as it's your first time, I'll let you choose. Do you wanna be Mommy or Daddy?" so the guy's thinking he'd rather be the giver so says "I'll be the Daddy". "Good" says the cellmate, now come here and suck Mommy's cock"

[Guest]

[Guest]

A woman was eyeing up a black man in a club all night. After lots of chatting and flirting, they left together.
Pulling him against a wall outside, grabbing his crotch and breathing heavily she whispered "come on big boy, show me if its true what they say about black men"
So he stabbed her and ran off with her handbag!

[Guest]

Hear bout the Paki sky diver? He went 2 an English trainin centre - they gave him all he needed 4 his jump but he died wen he hit the ground.......... his snorkle n flippers failed 2 open!

[Guest]

Was it a drop-in centre?

Boom boom.

[Guest]

[Guest]

What is Celibacy??

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Bob and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Bob leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered






"Homepride, isnt it ?"




And thus began Bob’s life of celibacy ......

[bitofatwat]

What is Celibacy??

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Bob and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Bob leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently, and whispered






"Homepride, isnt it ?"






And thus began Bob’s life of celibacy ......

[bitofatwat]

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away. After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me." The man looked surprised as the woman was quite attractive and asked "Why would he leave you?" The woman replied, "He said I was too kinky in the bedroom." Immediately the mans eyes lit up in shock at her answer. "My wife actually just left me for the same reason," he told her, and it was the truth. The two of them get to talking and eventually she invites the man to her home. They enter her bedroom, and the woman instructs the man to take a seat on the bed, that she is going to 'get ready' in the other room. The woman proceeds to attire herself in a leather corset, complete with whip, chains, and ballgag. She heads to the pantry and grabs a bottle of whipped cream and some Tobasco sauce. The woman then reenters the bedroom to see the man putting on his coat about to walk out the door. The woman exclaims, "What's the matter? I thought you were kinky!" to which the man replied, "Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse, I'm done here."

[Guest]

[Guest]

I saw one of my mates the other day, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted, "Where you off to?"
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"That's going to be awkward isn't it?"
"Not really" he said, "I've still got the fucking receipt, ya sarcastic bastard !!

[Guest]

You can't win..... I thought i'd help out at the Salvation Army soup kitchen... But they got a real strop on at the end of the night!... All I said was "Come on, eat up. Some of us have fucking homes to go to."

[bitofatwat]

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